Tuesday, May 20, 2008

'The Blogger Made Me Do It'

Outrage on the Brewers Blog at JSOnline today, as Milwaukee Brewers Reportage Czar (MBRC) Tom Haudricourt linked to a post on something called the 'Badger Blogger' -- that's your first problem right there, MBRC Tom Haudricourt; anything that's got 'Badger' in the title should be avoided like a syphilitic whore -- that claimed that King* of the Milwaukee Brewers Ned Yost would be fired on the team's off-day on Monday. This 'Badger Blogger' fellow (or lass) claims that a source on the team provided this information, but says it cannot be confirmed.

(Note: henceforth, Ned Yost will be referred to by some variation of King, His Highness, His Majesty, etc. Why? Because "manager" implies, however slightly, that you've actually done something to earn the position. What the fuck has Ned Yost done to earn his job? Best I can tell, his main qualifications are: (1) he played for the Brewers; (2) he was fortunate enough to be here in '82; (3) he was employed for a number of years by a team that is managed by Bobby Cox. In sum, then, he got his job because he's been around for a long time. Isn't that how kings get their jobs? Around long enough, somebody dies or is beheaded, new guy takes over. That's Ned.)

(Also, it is becoming more and more likely that, to dethrone King Ned, we will need to organize some kind of coup.)

For some reason, MBRC Tom Haudricourt feels the need to post this admittedly unconfirmed piece of "information" on his blog, all the while saying: "I think this is nonsense." So then he calls one of his inside sources, who tells him: "This is nonsense." And then he talks to Melvin, who says: "This is nonsense." And then he has to put up another blog post, saying "I've confirmed this is nonsense. I would also like to point out that it was my original opinion that this was nonsense. You were a bad boy, Badger Blogger, and I was a bad boy for listening to you. Forty lashes each."

Now, if you're like me, you repeatedly hit your head against the wall to try to forget that you ever read this shit. What the fuck was the point of this? Is MBRC Tom Haudricourt so terrified of being scooped by some anonymous whose-it that he's going to post shit like this every day?

(Note: The JS has been getting scooped an awful lot lately. Favre calls Chris Mortenson to announce his retirement, Andy Katz reports that Crean is leaving for Indiana, Mo Williams called Homer to ask where he could send a refund check for all the money he stole from Bucks' fans this year...)

(Note note: THE LAST ITEM IS UNTRUE. An NBA player would never give up any of his money. Families to feed, and all.)

Anyway, in the interest of rumor-mongering, I submit the following for MBRC Tom Haudricourt's perusal. If, perchance, he finds his way here -- and that's a hell of a perchance -- I invite him to post his favorite of the following:

(1) A source within the Brewers informs me that hamsters were served in the post-game buffet after the Red Sox game on Sunday. An unwitting Prince Fielder ate two before realizing what they were, then gorged himself on three three-pound bags of Skittles and six Cherry Cokes.

(2) Rickie Weeks is Ned Yost's bastard son.

(3) Melvin tried to get in touch with Mikey "Serve 'Em Up" Fetters about un-retiring and taking over the closer role, but "Serve 'Em Up's" last known number was disconnected. Melvin is now scouring homeless shelters trying to find Fetters.

Enjoy!

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