Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Man Love Abounds for Corey Hart

This is from Gery (I checked that three times, so it's accurate) Woelfel from the Racine Journal Times. (I was checking my little brother's box scores, that's why.) Let's look at this baby Fire Joe Morgan-style:


I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

It’s not hard to figure out why the Milwaukee Brewers are foundering these days:

I have a few ideas. Just off the top of my head, I'd say the manag--

And, no, it’s not because of manager Ned Yost.

Oh. I see. Might have to re-think that subscription.

The Brewers are stumbling because many of their key performers have stumbled.

'Stumbled' isn't the word I'd use. I'd go with 'played like fucking horseshit for the majority of the year.' Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.

Consider the culprits:

Bill Hall. Major disappointment.

Fair enough, though I'm beginning to think more and more that his 2006 year was a complete fluke: a decent player on a really shitty team playing without expectations and without an increasingly-vociferous fanbase on his ass.

Jeff Suppan. Disappointment.

Let's make this clear at the get-go: I fucking hate Jeff Suppan. I hate that we're paying him $10 million per. I hate that he's signed for two more goddamned years. I hate that I'm supposed to accept the fact that his career WHIP is close to 1.5 because he 'pitches to contact.' I hate that the pitchers who are listed on baseball-reference.com as being most similar to Jeff Suppan are Jaime Navarro, Esteben Loaiza, and Pedro Astacio. I hate his well-manicured goatee. No me gusta Jeff Suppan.

Now, having said that, I don't consider Jeff Suppan a disappointment. Jeff Suppan is what he is. (And don't say that he's a 'gamer'; gamer is a euphemism for 'below average, but makes it look like he's trying real hard.') The fact that we were dumb enough to pay him $40 million just because he pitched well in two NLCS games doesn't make Jeff Suppan a disappointment. This is exactly what I expected from Jeff Suppan.

J.J. Hardy. Mild disappointment.

But MAJOR HOTTIE! Woot woot! Yum yum gimme some!

Prince Fielder. Mild disappointment.

Disagree, citing examples. Prince is the biggest disappointment on this team. Not because the homers aren't there, not because his defense has fallen off from its already-low standard, not because his pre-game meal consists of Ding Dongs, Tootsie Pops, and two-liters of Coke -- because he has turned into a sullen asshole. All the talk last year about how this was his team, despite the fact that he was only twenty-two? Gone.

I'm not saying I'm entirely surprised by this; he grew up expecting to be a professional baseball player, his dad is apparently an enormous douchefucker (literally and figuratively), and his agent is Scott Boras. Still, it is kind of sad.

Cue Bright Eyes.

Rickie Weeks. Major disappointment.

Nah. You can't be a disappointment if you've never done anything.

When you get right down to it, one of the few everyday players who has actually overachieved this season is Corey Hart.

The Brewers’ right fielder is quietly enjoying a banner season. Hart is batting a team-high .302 -- well above his career average of .287 – and has an on-base percentage of .354.

OK. This is in no way a knock on my mancrush. But saying he's overachieving and citing to his fucking batting average? For his career, he's gotten a hit 29% of the time. This year, he's getting a hit 30% of the time; that's not "well above" his career standard. That's, what, two extra hits a month? Who gives a shit?

Why not try a semi-meaningful stat? Check out his OPS. Last year it was .895. This year it's .825.

So, no, I don't think I'd say Corey Hart is overachieving. I'd just say: Corey Hart is a MAN, and he's just confirming it with his play so far.

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