Earlier this year (but not in this space), I recounted my attempt to secure a Corey Hart jersey tee from my beloved gramama. Said attempt resulted, not altogether unpredictably, in no Corey Hart jersey tee, and ultimately led me to purchase a $10.99 Prince Fielder jersey tee at TJ Maxxxx. (Why hasn't some young up-and-comer in the porn industry adopted this as his/her name yet?) Said purchase was promptly followed by Prince (1) apparently eating truckloads full of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; (2) deciding that he was going to look as unhappy as possible at all times, save for when he's dropping throws or muffing grounders at first; and (3) ceding his mantle of Team Leader to Ryan J. Braun.
(Note: Braun received overwhelming support in his application to join the Corey Hart 'I Am A MAN' Club after his two-homer day against Josh A-Beckett in Boston. Seriously, did you see the look on Braun's face after he hit the second homer? The one that said: 'How dare you throw me a hanging slider with two strikes. Look what I do with it.' The chutzpah (Yiddish term) of this kid! I love it. I fucking love it. If we had the technology, I would make that chutzpah into a nice pesto and feed it to the rest of the team after every game.)
So, Mrs. Rubie Q (Simmons can do it, so can I) and I are at the mall on Sunday, and after I hold her purse for an hour, I get to go to the Brewers Clubhouse store. I'm in heaven. Jersey tees are coming out their arseholes -- and No. 1 jerseys are plentiful...
In sizes XXL through XXXL.
It seems I am not alone in my love for Corey Hart. Well, I think, maybe I can work a double XL. This thought quickly passes. I can't pull off an XXL. I look like a fucking hobbit. (Second Lord of the Rings reference this week! Fuck yeah!) I look like I'm wearing a fucking mu mu. This will not do.
Now, right next to the navy Corey Hart tees are old school, royal blue Corey Hart tees. And now begins the internal debate:
(1) I need a Corey Hart tee. By going to Brewers games wearing a Prince Fielder tee, yet professing that Corey Hart is my favorite Brewer, I am a fucking poser. I need a Corey Hart tee.
(2) I am uncomfortable with the retro unis. I've got the old ball-and-mitt logo cap, but that's because it's the coolest goddamn logo ever. I was nine before I realized that the glove had the 'mb' in it. (That's a defining moment in a young Wisconsinite's life. It's like the first time you got a Magic Eye to work. It's a fucking sailboat!) I didn't like Retro Sundays, I like Retro Fridays even less, and I remain of the opinion that we look like fucking idiots getting in a tizzy over a team that lost the fucking World Series twenty-five years ago.
(3) I look good in royal blue. It's my best color. I can't do orange, I struggle with yellow, red and green are just OK, purple is out of the question -- royal blue is my color. If I was thinking about joining a gang, even if the Bloods made a really good recruiting pitch, I'd have to be a Crip.
No. 3 tipped the scale. And that's why y'all get to look cool by association when I'm sporting my royal blue Corey Hart tee in Comerica tomorrow. You're welcome.