Friday, June 13, 2008

The Case Against...Twins Fans

This is a post idea I have been kicking around and drunkenly discussing on occasion with the group.  It goes like this, I want to honor my legal eagle buddy by combining my lack of lawyerly skills with my burning rage at certain topics like the Badgers, NFL, Big 11 et al.  Without further ado, here's the first installment in a hopefully semi-regular post idea.

The Case Against...Twins Fans
I never used to have a problem with Twins fans, then I moved to Milwaukee and met one of the biggest Twins fans ever...DJ Liedl.  Since then, it's been all venom.  In standard Devil's Threesome style, here's a bulleted list of the reason why I abhor Twins fans:
  • Family time all the time - holy fucking shit, they have a "family" deal every day of the week in that abortion of a baseball stadium.  Christ almighty, you sit in the bleachers there and you are vilified for having a beer.  I had some Scandinavian looking 10 year old brat (that's a hard a boys, as in a little shithead kid, not a sausage) ask me why I was drinking beer at the dome.  Huh?  Because it's baseball you Lutheran!  Why don't you go think up another lame ass name for your hockey team?
  • Bert Fucking Blyleven love - He's the Ron Santo of the Twins franchise, but he's blessed with a full complement of limbs.  It started with birth for this dude - he's DUTCH!  Ask Van Lith, I can't stand the Dutch.  Fucking pot smoking hippies.  How can such a family friendly organization put up with his potty mouth and obvious pederast with his tendency of circling pre-teen boys in the stands?
  • Bert Circle Me Signs - I love how every one of these fuckers spells his name wrong on the sign.  This idea is stupid - just like the above pic of the typical Twins fan drinking his Grain Belt on his floral patterned couch. What kind of retard has a Bert Circle Me sign at home?  Probably the same cheap ass Twins fans that won't fully finance a real stadium
  • Lack of Support - how the fuck does Miller Park fill up with Twins fans every year but they fall behind the Crew in attendance every year?  They are a consistent playoff team!!  Where do they come from?  Here are a couple of thoughts: 1) They enjoy a real stadium 2) Milwaukee is the only city within a day's drive of that godforsaken northern outpost, Fargo doesn't count 3) They all live here because of Wisconsin's generous reciprocity rules for college tuition.  Nothing like leeching off of our state for a better undergrad education
  • TC love - I'm so fucking impressed that TC can hit home runs with his softball bat - it's probably Kent Hrbek in there.  We know that Kirby is occupied these days
  • Home Made T-shirts - yet another example of Twin fan cheapness.  Get a fucking jersey T at the Mall of America - there's no taxes there!
  • Mediocre Player Love - these waterhead fans love all their shit players: Matthew LeCroy (he made Frank Robinson cry!!!!!!!), Lewwww-ser Ford, Michael Cuddyer, Doug Mientkiewicz, Boof Bonser
That's all I can think of right now.  My blood pressure is rising, I can't wait till the Brewers kick the shit out of Kevin Slowey tonight!


Rubie Q said...

"Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with 'Ya Know What Really Grinds My Gears?'"

Reid You Animal! said...

You forgot about the "Ooooo" names that they love so much. Leeeewwww Ford, Boooooooof Bonser, Nick Puuuuuuunto, Jason Kuuuuuuubel, Michael Cuuuuuuuddyer, Joe Nathoooooon, and so on.