It's "Exclamation Point in the Title" Day here at The Buffet. Things have quieted down around the office, so let's check in with Milwaukee Brewers Reportage Czar Tom Haudricourt as he puts his finger on the pulse of Brewers ... Nation?
(Note: I don't want to call it Brewers Nation. I think the Red Sox have the copyright on that. Plus, the Brewers don't have a coast-to-coast national following. Hell, we don't have a border-to-border state following; a lot of folks (read: assholes) in the south root for the Cubs, and I've seen more than one Mientkwiviwziecz T-shirt on the western border. What's smaller than a nation? A city-state?)
Q: Chuck Brinkmann of Marshfield, Wis - Fans are talking about all these minor league players the Brewers have. Tony Gwynn Jr. is not mentioned. He is having a good year in AAA ball. Ship Cameron and Hall out. I think Gwynn has paid his dues and lets get him in the leadoff spot with his speed.
A: Brewers Mailbag - Gwynn has never been able to take advantage of the few chances he has had with the Brewers, either because of injury or lack of production. The timing just hasn't been right for him.
OK. I get it. People like Tony Gwynn around here. That's fine. ...
I'm sorry, I lied. That's not fine. Can we finally call a spade a spade here? At this juncture of his career, it is beyond dispute that the only reason -- and I mean the only reason -- Tony Gwynn was drafted, had a cup of coffee with the big league club, and isn't selling encyclopedia door-to-door now is because of his fucking name. But you know what? Ken Griffey, Jr., he ain't. Fuck, he's not even Jose Cruz, Jr. Pete Rose, Jr.? Now you're talking.
I don't know what I have to do to get people to understand this. I might buy an old ice cream truck and drive it aimlessly around the streets of Milwaukee while the loudspeaker plays "The Entertainer" (a Devil's Threesome favorite). And then, when the children run up to purchase Bomb Pops and orange-flavored push-ups and tastee ice, I'll say: "Sorry, children, I'm fresh out of goodies. But here, enjoy this pamphlet of Tony Gwynn's career stats -- and, look, children, an OBP of .305 and a slugging percentage of .302! Go home, tell your folks! Call gam-gam and poppy! Write your Senator! Spread the word -- Tony Gwynn, Jr., fucking sucks!"
I'll be like Johnny Appleseed. It'll be fucking awesome. Until I'm arrested.