Monday, July 28, 2008

The Case Against: Cubs Fans.

I'm hijacking Devil's Threesome's "The Case Against" bit for the Crew-Cubs series. Let's review the evidence against Cubs fans, the group of people for whom the word "fucktard" was created:

1.The whole "loveable losers" bullshit -- You know who's a loveable loser? A four-year-old playing his first tee-ball game who steps up to the plate, with the visor of the helmet tipped down over his eyes, and takes a mighty cut, only to miss the ball, spin around, and end up on his toochus. That makes you say, "Aww, li'l buddy, you tried so hard. Good for you." You know who's not a loveable loser? A stumblebum (or, in the Cubs case, a group of stumblebums) being paid millions of dollars to suck ass.

2. Wrigley Field -- The place is such a fucking dump that vegetation has overrun the outfield walls. Plus, they serve Old Style; there's no place to tailgate; you have a 3/4 chance of having a big fucking pillar blocking your view of the game; and you're surrounded for three hours by insufferable queef-nuggets who came to be seen at the game, not to see the game. Good times.

3. The stunning lack of basic knowledge about baseball -- Having taken in a few games at Wrigley, and a few more at Miller Park when the FIBs flock north, I have come to the conclusion that most Cubs fans have never seen a game in person. This is the only way to explain the way they collectively blow their load every time Mark DeRosa hits a fly ball to shallow center field. "Ohhh!! That's got a chance! Go, baby, go!" No, cocksnorter, that's a routine fly ball.

But it's more than that. They either (a) don't know enough about or (b) are too wrongheadedly stubborn to admit the weaknesses on their team. Anyone with half a brain can tell you that Alfonso Soriano belongs in the lead-off spot as much as Rickie Weeks does. Or that Fuck-u-do-me is a slap singles hitter masquerading as a masher. Or that Theriot is gawd-fucking-awful. Or that your farm system is a joke when you can't find someone to play centerfield and have to turn to the Corpse of Jim Edmonds to man the post.

That said, when you have this guy as your "color analyst" ...

4. Ron Santo -- ... you can't really be faulted for not knowing the first fucking thing about baseball.

Look, I know. He's got diabetes. He loses limbs like the Black Knight in Monty Python & The Holy Grail. He wasn't hired to provide hard-hitting insight. Fine, I get it. I do. But this man is a fucking abomination. Muttering "oh, jeez, oh, jeez" over and over again, and then screaming in delight when the Cubs do something good -- it's just embarrassing. Why not get a trained chimp to clap cymbals together whenever the Cubs score a run?

Anyway, my favorite Santo story (one that I'm sure I've told before): Cubs are playing the Astros a couple of years back. Cubs are up one late in the game, but Houston is threatening to score. If memory serves, there were men on second and third with one out. The Cubs bring the infield in. Biggio strikes out. And Santo drops this line:

"Well, now the infielders can move back to set up the double play."

I was driving when he said this, and I nearly drove into a bridge abutment. Never mind that there were two outs. There were runners on second and third. I mean, holy fuck.

5. Chicago -- nice city and all, but there's a serious inferiority complex going on down there. Ironically, Chicagoans love to jab at Milwaukee for being less of a city than Chicago. No debate there, but we're not trying to compete with you. We're quite content being Milwaukee, a decent-sized city that, in many respects, is like a big town. Chicago, though, always seems bothered that it's not on the same level as New York or LA.

You're still a pretty swell town, guys. It's just that your North-side baseball team, and all of its fans, are a spectacularly marvelous collection of assholes.

1 comment:

FPMKE said...

You forgot, pink-hat-wearing drunk chicks.