Monday, July 14, 2008

The Corey Hart 'I Am A MAN' Club Needs Your Help.

TO: All Voting Members of Corey Hart "I Am A MAN" Club

FROM: Rubie Q, Chairman, Membership Committee

RE: Pending Applications

Esteemed colleagues:

As you know, the Membership Committee recently received two applications for membership in this prestigious organization. I will summarize these applications immediately below:

Jason Daniel Kendall, Catcher -- Application received approximately one week ago. Perhaps not coincidentally, Mr. Kendall immediately went 0-20 in his next five games to cool his average to .258. But nobody cares about what he does with the bat in his hands anyway. No, Mr. Kendall's application was based on the work he does behind the plate. Indeed, the fact that he actually does some work behind the plate made him an immediate upgrade over the last slug who played catcher. His application is also based on the fact that his skeleton is made of adamantium, a la Wolverine. Seems that when he hideously shattered his ankle some years back (I would post a picture, but I googled the image and actually threw up on my keyboard when I saw it), he had the Pirates team docs outfit him with a metal that actually doesn't exist.

Membership Committee's recommendation: Approve.

Carsten Charles Sabathia, Starting Pitcher / Defensive Tackle -- Application received yesterday (July 13, 2008). Hasn't had his usual outstanding stuff yet, but has still posted a 2-0 record with a sub-3.00 ERA. Caused an outbreak of erections around the state when he fanned the last three hitters he faced in yesterday's game. In the ninth inning. After throwing 120 pitches. Rumor is that he placed a call on the bullpen phone in the seventh inning: "Hey, Castro, it's CC. Tell those fucksticks they're not blowing my game. Have a hot dog and enjoy the show." And, just for good measure, hit a ball 450 feet in the third inning.

Membership Committee's recommendation: Approve.

As always, your prompt response is appreciated.

With warm regards,

Rubie Q.

13 comments:

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

I give full approval to both candidates. Kendall is an outstanding human being (puppy kicking aside) and man he makes being a catcher look good.

Creedence Clearwater has gigantic balls. Nough said.

FPMKE said...

Well, if Matt Damon is going to approve it, I guess I will.

Devil's Threesome said...

Heartily approve.
Can we also create a club for the dregs of the team? I nominate GMoat and Frenchie to the "Franklin Stubbs Amputee Pron Club"

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

CC-Approved

Kendal-Denied, a hit or two would be nice. Its either lazy pop fly to the RF or two hopper to the 3B. He plays terrific defense and calls a great game. Ok...who am I kidding, I change my mind, approved.

Reid You Animal! said...

That picture of his, combined with the Mudvayne and the cat-like reflexes behind the plate, tell me that Kendall is not a man to be trifled with. I approve.

CC, I approve his temporary membership, to possibly be revoked upon his filing for free agency. Check back with me on October 1.

Reid You Animal! said...

And I've heard that Kendall's wife is fucking HOT!!

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

Yes. Any man that can snag an extremely hot wife, while not being a complete douche, deserves to be a man in the MAN club.

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

Then I'd like to apply for the MAN club. I've got a hot wife and I'm not a complete douche. Please email me an application ASAP in order to be considered on the next ballot.

Rubie Q said...

Anyone affiliated in any way with Tony Gwynn, Jr. -- even if only in Internet handle form -- cannot be considered for the MAN club. I'm sorry. Rules are rules.

Moongoose McQueen said...

Also, I'm going to have to ask for a ruling from the first base umpire on the "not a complete douche" call.

Rubie Q said...

Oh yeah, you've got that going against you too.

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

Oh, Moongoose. Good burn.

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...
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