You haven't written in a while. I miss you. I was at your house in the early part of June -- the lawn looked great.
Anyway, I heard that you're thinking about coming home for another year. I went back and forth on what to think about this, since the break-up was so hard. (It's OK that you cried. I cried a little bit, too. That doesn't make us super-gay. We're just 'metro.') But you know what I figured out?
You should come back, but just for the first game.
Let me explain.
Remember when you broke up with your first serious girlfriend? And it was so terribly awkward for those first few days, or weeks, or months afterward? And you didn't really know what to say when you chanced upon each other, even though both of you were thinking, "I used to have sex with this person. I wonder if he/she still wants to have sex with me. I'd be interested in another go-round"? And then, one night, perhaps after a few too many barley pops, you had that glorious Post-Break-Up Fuck? Wasn't that great? Yeah. Yeah, it really was.
Well, that's what the Monday Night game against the Vikings would be: your post-break-up fuck. You've earned it, my man. But here's the thing: it can only be that one game. Because, as we all know, the Post-Break-Up Fuck can't turn into the Aww, Hell, Let's Give It Another Chance Relationship. Because that never works. Sure, the Post-Break-Up Fuck is great, but if you drift into the AHLGIAC Relationship, you remember in about two weeks why you broke up with the person in the first place. And then you have to have the doubly-awkward SECOND break up. No one likes the second break up.
So, that's the agreement: one last go-round, no uneasy commitment. You'll be satisfied, and we make a clean break after that.
Do me, Brett. Do all of us.