Thursday, July 3, 2008

Dear Brett:

You haven't written in a while. I miss you. I was at your house in the early part of June -- the lawn looked great.

Anyway, I heard that you're thinking about coming home for another year. I went back and forth on what to think about this, since the break-up was so hard. (It's OK that you cried. I cried a little bit, too. That doesn't make us super-gay. We're just 'metro.') But you know what I figured out?

You should come back, but just for the first game.

Let me explain.

Remember when you broke up with your first serious girlfriend? And it was so terribly awkward for those first few days, or weeks, or months afterward? And you didn't really know what to say when you chanced upon each other, even though both of you were thinking, "I used to have sex with this person. I wonder if he/she still wants to have sex with me. I'd be interested in another go-round"? And then, one night, perhaps after a few too many barley pops, you had that glorious Post-Break-Up Fuck? Wasn't that great? Yeah. Yeah, it really was.

Well, that's what the Monday Night game against the Vikings would be: your post-break-up fuck. You've earned it, my man. But here's the thing: it can only be that one game. Because, as we all know, the Post-Break-Up Fuck can't turn into the Aww, Hell, Let's Give It Another Chance Relationship. Because that never works. Sure, the Post-Break-Up Fuck is great, but if you drift into the AHLGIAC Relationship, you remember in about two weeks why you broke up with the person in the first place. And then you have to have the doubly-awkward SECOND break up. No one likes the second break up.

So, that's the agreement: one last go-round, no uneasy commitment. You'll be satisfied, and we make a clean break after that.

Do me, Brett. Do all of us.


Rubie Q


Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

Ok so you want Brett Favre to come back for one more year? I was confused by all the fucking references. I'm torn on this topic. As much fun as post-break fucking can be I'm still pissed he decided to dump us after one of hte best years of our lives. What if the post-break fucking is not as good as advertised and you wasted a good fuck. Maybe instead you should let her fuck somebody else, as awkward as that may be (MJ, Montana, Emmitt all fucked someone else. Perhaps he was embarrassed by "early exit" prior to the climax of the season (Super Bowl) and didn't think he had enough in the tank for another go around. ok, so maybe my sexual comparisions don't work as well. Really, though I don't think it will happen and I'm not sure if I want it to happen.

Rubie Q said...

I don't want him back for the whole year. Just one game. Any longer, and it's going to get weird.

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

well that's the stupidiest thing I've ever heard...even for you.

ps-love the label on that post "I want Brett Favre inside me". Ha!

Devil's Threesome said...

And then...he entered me.

FPMKE said...

Softball'sTG, reference Ben Affleck's career. He should have stopped after Good Will Hunting. He peaked... Matt Damon moved on... and now you can see the awkwardness every time they are together.

FPMKE said...

Check out this poll of Bears fans I found at the Trib online:

The return of Fav-ruh?
ESPN reports that Brett Favre is thinking about un-retiring. And you say…

Yawn. It was just a matter of time. What a fraud. (1354 responses)


Really? That's awesome! I LOVE Brett Favre! (192 responses)


I didn't expect it and really hope he doesn't do it. (406 responses)


Wouldn't mind seeing the Bears beat him up some more. (1037 responses)


2989 total responses (Results not scientific)