I enjoyed my day off. I'm refreshed and ready to tear into this team again. What a show you dumbfucks put on for your new teammate last night. I'm sure he was impressed to see you get completely manhandled by Ubaldo Fucking Jimenez, and then politely refuse to take the game when the Rockies were doing everything to puke it away in the eighth inning. Top notch, gentlemen. Just top notch.
Anyway, as a public service to Creedence Clearwater, I'd like to submit this brief Fan's Guide on some of his new teammates. Here's Part I:
Rickie Weeks -- You might be confused when you see a guy with an OBP of .310 leading off for your new team. Don't feel bad; none of us understand it either. Your new manager (he'll be the guy that arrives via the short bus every day) says it's because Weeks is a "run scorer." Apparently, your new manager believes that when Weeks actually gets on base, he emits some kind of pheromone that makes your other teammates drive Rickie in. (He's kind of like that kid Leech in X-Men 3, except he gives people superpowers instead of taking them away.) But that's not Rickie's only mutant superpower -- also, his farts have many of the same properties as helium. Your new manager hasn't quite figured out what to do with that one yet.
Prince Fielder -- He's your biggest competition (literally and figuratively) for the team's Best Tits award. Also, everyone on the team has agreed to keep an eye on Prince right before the game starts to make sure he doesn't have a Roll-O in his mouth when he takes the field. Your help with this would be appreciated.
JJ Hardy -- He'll be the one with a new, male "cousin" hanging out at his locker after every game. Just go with it. It's kind of a Milwaukee thing; we've got a blantatly gay United States Senator, too, and nobody says anything about it (at least not publicly).
Corey Hart -- You'll recognize him by the tattoo on his back -- it's a skull that's on fire biting a scorpion in half and shooting laser beams from its eyes to destroy the Death Star and drinking twelve beers at once, all with a big American flag in the background. And above it, in big block letters, it simply says: "MAN."
Eric Gagne, Bill Mota, and David Riske -- You probably haven't seen a clubhouse that's quarantined before. Well, by necessity, ours is. You'll see three guys sitting behind a plastic partition, breathing filtered air. That's Gagne and Mota and Riske. Unfortunately, they caught a highly contagious form of Suck that we're trying to stop from spreading to the rest of the 'pen. Stay as far away from them as possible.