Tuesday, July 8, 2008

A Fan's Guide On Your New Teammates, Part II.

Made any friends yet, CC? Hopefully, the first installment of the Fan's Guide got you pointed in the right direction. Let's continue, shall we?

Craig Counsell -- Wait a minute, you're saying to yourself. Didn't I watch this elf play for the Marlins when I was in middle school? You sure did, CC. And Craigers is still bringing the thunder today. He also knows all the really good spots to pick up high school chicks in Whitefish Bay...or, as some call it, White Folks Bay! Do you get it, CC? Do you get the joke? Because there are a lot of white people living in Whitefish Bay, so we took the "fish" out and put "folks" in instead! Yeah, we bring the funny here.

Bill Hall -- Ahh, the proverbial turd in the punch bowl. You won't be able to miss Billy (he acts like a four-year-old, he gets a four-year-old's nickname) on the field -- he's the one with the swing that's so long that it looks like he's swinging a broom. Also, Billy's not the guy you want to go to if you've got an itch to do some Sodoku or any else that requires a functioning brain. Dude can't figure out why he's in a platoon when he's hitting .150 against righties.

Jeff Suppan -- As you might have heard, you're taking his spot in the rotation for the next couple weeks. He allegedly hurt his elbow swinging a bat about a month ago, but claims that it doesn't hurt when he pitches, but he's going on the DL anyway, so...yeah... You know how the NBA did away with the "injured" list a couple years ago, since teams were having to come up with bogus injuries like "sprained cornea" to explain why a guy didn't dress for the game? And then they said, "Aww, to hell with it, let's end the fucking charade and just call it the 'inactive' list"? Jeff Suppan is on the 'inactive' list right now.

Ryan Braun -- Remember Corey Hart's bitchin' tattoo? The one with the skull that was on fire and was doing a bunch of ridiculous, awesome shit? Check out Braun -- he's got the other half of that tattoo, the one that shows all the ridiculous, awesome shit that the skull's body is doing. If I remember right, the skull's body (which is also on fire) is slaying an army of ninjas while flying an F-16 which is dropping bombs on the Communists. Oh, and the skull body is also banging this hot chick with big boobs. All in front of a huge American flag. And, once again, above it all is the word: "MAN."

Jason Kendall -- I'm not going to say anything silly about this guy. I just want to tell you this, Carston Charles: whatever pitch he tells you to throw, throw it. Such is my faith in Jason Kendall. I would like to submit the following three non sequiturs to demonstrate said faith:

(1) Kendall's application for membership in the Corey Hart "I Am A MAN" club is receiving serious consideration in the executive committee as we speak.

(2) When I say, "I would go to war with Jason Kendall," I am not using a metaphor. I literally mean what I say. I would clone Jason Kendall, take 10,000 of him to Afghanistan and Iraq, and the War on Terr-ah would be done in three days.

(3) The best way to describe Jason Kendall is to quote Ivan Drago when he was fighting Rocky in Russia: "He is like piece of iron." He's on pace for, what, 140 games? As a catcher? Fucking ridiculous.

Dave Bush -- He'll be the guy who spends four hours lifting weights, then another hour on the treadmill, then another two-and-a-half configuring his facial hair, only to realize that he has to start that night. And then, just when you've just spent the previous hour telling your friends how completely fucking worthless Dave Bush is, he'll promptly go out and toss three-hit ball for eight innings. Fucking asshole.

Still to come -- Sheeter and Gabey and Cammy, oh my!

No comments: