Friday, August 1, 2008

The Day After Tomorrow.

(JASON KENDALL emerges from pile of ash)

KENDALL: Holy shit. That was fucking intense. I can't believe I lived through a direct nuclear strike. I guess it helps that my skeleton is made of adamantium. I better look for survivors.

(Walks around the wreckage of Miller Park.)

COREY HART: Uhhh...owwww...

KENDALL: Corey Hart, are you alright?

COREY HART: I...I think I'm OK. I was down in the clubhouse when the bomb hit, so my skin didn't melt off. But I think I've got fallout sickness. Better let me lay here like a worthless turd for two days.

KENDALL: Makes sense. Have you seen anyone else?

COREY HART: I think ... I think that's Prince and CC over there.

KENDALL: I think you're right. Prince! CC! Are you guys OK? Wait...are you guys eating?

PRINCE: (Wolfs down an entire bag of Munchos in one movement) We good. (Holds up finger, in classic "give me a minute, I've got some shit in my mouth that I'm still chewing, and I don't want to be rude and spit Muncho shrapnel all over you") Our bodies are so full of synthetic preservatives from all the Tootsie Pops, Snickers, Twinkies, Ho-hos, Sixlets, Gobstoppers, Airheads, Spree, Nutter Butters, Reese's cups, York peppermint patties, Laffy Taffy, Suzy Q's, and Ding Dongs that we're pretty much impervious to a nuclear attack.

CC: Want a Roll-O?

KENDALL: I'm alright, thanks, CC.

CC: Want a Crunch bar?

KENDALL: No, I'm alright.

CC: How 'bout a Twix? Mr. Goodbar? Kit Kat? Krackel?

KENDALL: No, seriously, CC. I'm alright.

CC: Fuck, dawg. Won't you even have a Mentos?

KENDALL: Fine, one Mentos. But I have to keep looking for survivors.

PRINCE: If it's cool with you, we're going down where the clubhouse used to be to see if our hot tub full of Skittles made it through.

KENDALL: OK, guys, be safe out there. We haven't been able to confirm that the Cubs are gone yet.

(KENDALL walks to where the infield used to be.)

KENDALL: Hello? Anybody alive over here?


KENDALL: Oh, hey, Rickie Weeks. Are you OK?


KENDALL: Oh. Really? You're not hurt at all?

No, I think I'm good.

KENDALL: Ain't that some shit. ... Wait, hold on. You've got something on your back. Turn around.

RICKIE WEEKS: Oh, really? Shit. What is it?

KENDALL: (Picks up shattered piece of bat) Just hold still. Let me...just... (Repeatedly stabs Rickie Weeks, because he is a fucking fuckstick who can't do a fucking thing well and is inexplicably allowed to keep fucking playing)


KENDALL: Oh, no! Rickie Weeks! No! Curse you, Cubs! I will avenge you, Rickie Weeks! (Looks around, makes sure there are no witnesses who need a "memory adjustment") Sweet.

(KENDALL walks over by the dugout)

KENDALL: Hey, is anyone here?

NED YOST: (Crawls from under the charred corpse of Ted Simmons) I'm here, Jason.

KENDALL: Skip! Are you alright?

NED YOST: Yeah, I'm fine. Being a good leader, as I am, I hid under Simmons when I saw the bomb coming. Sure, most of my team was incinerated, and the rest have radiation poisoning, but at least I'm alright!


NED YOST: Hey, have you seen Rickie? We need him to lead off tonight.

KENDALL: (Silently decides whether to kill Ned Yost, decides he has enough blood on his hands for one day) No. Haven't seen him. Let me know if you do.


Softball's Tony Gwynn said...


Moongoose McQueen said...

I smell sequel.

Rubie Q said...

"The Day After the Day After Tomorrow: Three Days From Now."