Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A Fan's Guide On Your New Teammates, Part III.

Hi, again, CC. It's been a while since I've updated my guide on your new teammates. I didn't forget about you, or them. Let's get back after it, shall we?

Manny Parra -- See Bush, Dave, but make him left-handed.

Actually, that doesn't come close to describing the Manny Experience. CC, would you try something with me? (That's what she said.) Let's go on a trip to Imagination Land!

Imagine that Manny Parra is a car, but he's one of those talking cars like KITT from Knight Rider that can drive himself. Let's go for a ride with Manny the Car, shall we? What a nice country road we're driving down. I'm going to roll down a window and enjoy the air. Gosh, such a nice day. Oops, hit a small pothole there, but it's no big deal -- Manny the Car is still cruising just fine ...

Wait a minute. Something's going on here. The car is shaking really bad. Maybe I better close the windows. ... Fuckin' a, Manny the Car, you're driving on the wrong side of the road! We just sideswiped an old lady in a Camry! Oh Christ, now you're headed right towards a school! We just plowed through the chain link fence! I think we ran over a couple of third graders who were playing Four Square! What the fuck! We're really in trouble here. Oh my fucking God. We're headed right for the kindergarten class room. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck ...

... ... ... Is it over? Is everybody OK? That's weird. Something smells like little kid shampoo. Oh, that's what it is. It's that little dude right there who got decapitated. His head fell in my lap. Sweet. Thanks for the ride, Manny the Car!

Much better. That about sums it up.

Ben Sheets -- At first, you will think your eyes are deceiving you. My God, you'll think, is that an ambulatory vagina? And then the vagina will move a little bit, and you'll think, Wait a minute. Now it looks like a walking turd. What the hell is going on here? Don't worry, CC. You've just experienced the awful, maddening mystery that is Ben Sheets. He's got talent coming out of his ears, but zero moxie. Need a big pitch in a big moment in the game? Ben Sheets is not the guy you want out there.

This fuckstick doesn't just crap the bed, he Alabama Hot Pockets it. He's stolen money from the good citizens of Milwaukee for four years now, and I, for one, can't wait to see some other team have to pay him $18 million a year for 12 wins.

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