Monday, August 25, 2008

A Man Needs Assistance.

D's 3Some and I were talking about this yesterday whilst we attended the Brewers game, and apparently D3S and Reid had a similar conversation on Saturday: Corey Hart's at-bat music is beyond atrocious. "International Harvester" is, without question, the dumbest fucking song I have ever heard. If you can stomach it, take a look at these lyrics:

'Cause I’m a son of a third generation farmer
I’ve been married 10 years to a farmer’s daughter
I got two boys in the county 4-H
I’m a lifetime sponsor of the F.F.A.
Hay! That’s what I make

(I made it that far. The 'hay' pun just about killed me. My heart stopped for 3.4 seconds. I will soldier on:)

I make a lotta hay for a little pay
But I’m proud to say
I’m a God fearin’ hard workin’ combine driver
Hoggin’ up the road on my a p-p-p-plower
Chug a lug a lugin’ 5 miles an hour
On my International Harvester.

My eyes...

We have the power to fix this -- mainly because we know Sheets' Pooter. Hart can't keep coming up to this fucking abomination. So I beseech thee, Va Jay Jay, play something else. It will get you fired, sure, but one of us will take you in when you get evicted.

Here's my suggestion: "Comfort Eagle" by Cake. For one, it's Cake, and Cake is a great fucking band. Plus, it's got that awesome, driving guitar line to open the song, and then the dude starts singing about "building a religion." Fuck yes. Sign me up. I'm a Corey Hart acolyte.

Other suggestions?


Devil's Threesome said...

Ok, I grew up in the sticks. There was a cornfield in my back yard, my dad sold farm machinery and I have 5 uncles who were/are farmers. This is just another "country" song written by some city dude and sung by suburbanites. Just cause you live in Colgate Wisconsin doesn't make you a farmer folks. A couple of fallacies in this song:

1) International Harvester ceased to exist several years ago. They merged with Case to form Case IH.

2) What's a plower? Is that a plow? If so, no one uses those anymore and they haven't for years. You see, plows caused the Dust Bowl and destroy the soil by exposing it to further erosion. Everyone practices no-till farming now, thus eliminating the use of a plow. The droughts of recent years were worse than the Dust Bowl but we didn't have the problems because people don't plow, which has kept the Joads in Oklahoma.

3) This song assumes that farmers work. They don't. They don't work at all. In fact, they are the laziest, bitchiest, most miserable pieces of shit on earth. They spend two weeks planting in the spring. Then they pay the fertilizer company to spray nasty ass shit on their fields that pollutes our drinking water. Then, if it doesn't rain, they complain and go out to their fields 2-3 times a day to turn on their irrigation. In the fall, they work two weeks harvesting their crops. In between, they go to town, drink coffee, bitch about corn prices and wait for the next government subsidy check. And don't even mention livestock, because that's only profitable for the biggest corporations, freeing up more time for the aforementioned coffee drinking bitch sessions. Sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but this fucking stupid-ass family farm pastoral wet dream is a fucking pipe dream. Every song that's written about it and sung by the never-set-foot-on-a-farm Mike Carneys of the world at Summerfest makes me want to punt puppies and drown kittens!!!!!!

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

I first want to comment on #3 in D3S's rant. You can't classify all farmers that way. Dairy farmers do work very hard. If they are only crop farmers, then there is less work, but make sure to specify and not lump all lazy farmers in one category.

Hart isn't going to change his music. He has changed it once this season for an at bat and then went right back after he popped up. This guy likes that song. That's all there is to it.

Devil's Threesome said...

I did classify that, but machines milk the cows for shit's sake. Additionally, dairy's going corporate too. Take away the subsidies and it all collapses.

Rubie Q said...

If Corey Hart likes this song, then we have all the more reason to take action. We must save him from himself.

Devil's Threesome said...

Wa-wa-wa-wait a minute!! Did Corey Hart, during a game, contact the powers that be to revert to his original music? In game? Really? Please say no, please say no.

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

He did. He called up from the dugout after he got out. It was priceless.

Devil's Threesome said...

That's shudder inducing. They really are children. That's more superstitious than SB's TG.

I'd also like to take this time to self-congratulate...myself?...for my home run and game winning RBI in last night's coed game. I even did it in cargo shorts.

Rubie Q said...

And with my glove!

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

cargo shorts? no plaid shorts is more accurate. all you were missing was the triple popped collar. but you did look very snazzy!

Devil's Threesome said...

Didn't you pick up a pair just like them SB's TG. Mrs SB's TG said you wore them yesterday. You always seem to comment on them when I wear them. I sense some jealousy, not only in my softball batting prowess (note that I didn't say fielding), but my impeccable fashion sense.

FPMKE said...

While driving to B-town yesterday I did enjoy this part of International Harvester

"Well I know you got your own deadline
But cussing me won't save you no time Hoss
But this big wheel wide load ain't going any faster
So just smile and wave and tip your hat to the man up on the tractor"

I also think the tractor start up part at the beginning is kind of cool for intro music... it's kind of like firing up his inner man engine.

But, since he is Corey Hart and needs to pay homage the the 80's I think the Knight Rider theme song would be cool. Sunglasses at Night is too obvious and cliche.

If Corey Hart grew a fro, he could go with Soul Glo.

FPMKE said...

In other news, this deserves an "anything new with corn?" tag.