Let's get this out of the way: I love the Olympics. Fucking love the Olympics. I know, I'm supposed to be the cynical one who bitches about how the athletes are just there trying to snag an endorsement deal and how the whole thing is a big ad for McDonald's and Nike and Speedo and how nobody gives a shit about the fact that they're supposed to be representing their country. Couldn't give half-a-shit about any of those things. Fucking love the Olympics.
I'll watch almost any of the events. Swimming? Fucking love it. Basketball? Fucking love it (though Dwyane needs to rethink the shaved head -- without hair, he looks bloated, like a bunch of bees stung him in the cheeks). Softball? Fucking love it. Beach volleyball? Fuck and yes. Synchronized diving? I'm there, motherfucker.
But, for the last two days, I've had to cut back on my Olympic viewing, because NBC insisted on showing the Greatest Abomination in the History of Sport: gymnastics.
(Quick side note to NBC: hook me up, assholes. You want to show gymnastics? Fine. Put it on MSNBC or CNBC or Oxygen or some other fucking channel that nobody watches. Leave the swimming on regular NBC, and show it around the clock. Fuck, you should be replaying that men's 4X100 free relay every 15 minutes anyway.)
My love for all other sports Olympic is perfectly balanced by my undying, boundless, and intense hatred for gymnastics. The basic concept is alright: people flying around and doing flips and shit. Sounds a lot like training to be a ninja, and, as everybody knows, the only thing cooler than training to be a ninja is actually being a ninja. But the basic concept has gotten so incredibly fucked up with the fucking judging.
Here are the rules: to be a legitimate sport, the difference between coming in first and coming in second can't be some Ruski saying: "I like little girl from Red China little better." It's completely subjective. We're told there are objective criteria, but no one can fucking identify any of them. It's a fucking travesty, and it came front and center in the last Olympics, leading the Gymnastic World Order (I'm not bothering to look up the actual name of the governing body) to come up with an even more cockamamie scheme that decides how hard something is before it's even fucking attempted, and then awards points based on how hard it should have been compared to how hard it actually was compared to how well the thing was actually done.
Fuck me. These are my hands. They are in the air, and not because I'm waving them around like I just don't care. It's because your fucking "sport" is a farce.