Friday, October 24, 2008

Bill Plaschke Makes My Brain Sad.

I don't know why, but here's what Los Angeles Times columnist Bill Plaschke has to say about the Favre mess:

On Brett Favre Pass, a legacy catches hell.

It is a dead end street, but a sports bar there is a thoroughfare of debate.

Um … what? "[A] sports bar there is a thoroughfare of debate"? People are debating in the streets? The bar is decorated like a street? This is a jumbled, awkward metaphor that doesn't work? I'm … just … help.

Eight months after the face of the NFL tearfully announced his retirement, that face is bruised and blushing.

It is the face of an accused liar. It is the face of an alleged cheater. It is a face lost.

Well, let's be clear here: Favre is a proven liar. Remember, he was the one who texted Peter King – immediately after his team got done crapping all over itself against the fucking Raiders – that the story about him giving inside poop to the Lions was "total bs." (Apparently, gunslingers can't be bothered with punctuation.) Then, two days later, he confirmed that he did talk to Matt Millen about the Packers, but claimed that it wasn't to the extent that Jay Glazer reported. Which makes his assertion that the report was "total bs" … um … total bullshit.

So, yeah – Brett Favre : Liar :: Moongoose McQueen : Midget Porn Aficionado. (Yeah, I said it. This is what happens when you don't visit the Buffet for three months – I toss out allegations about your preferred flavor of porn. You're lucky you came back when you did, Reid.)

The works of a lifetime, tarnished in less than a football season. An American hero, undone by the American way.

Being King of the Douchebags is "the American way"?

The score is now final, and it's not even close.

Brett Favre, New York Jets quarterback, Green Bay Packers traitor, fast-leaking legend, should have quit when he said he was quitting.

Dude, what in the fuck is going on with your adjectives? "Fast-leaking" legend? Is he a gallon of milk?

Perhaps, in the last eight months, we have seen a different Brett Favre. Or perhaps we are finally seeing the real one.

Whatever, it has been the equivalent of a warm farewell followed by the guy changing his mind, barging back through the front door for one last piece of pie, spilling that pie on his lap, dropping messily asleep on your couch.

Nope. Wrong equivalent. Brett Favre is Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. He is a mentally unstable, incredibly needy bitch who will not be ignored. The Packers didn't want him back, and now he's stormed back into the house wielding a butcher knife. Hide the rabbits!


Moongoose McQueen said...

What can I say - they are just so flexible and agile. That's why they make such good porn stars and wrestlers.

Rubie Q said...

Flexible? Dude, they're built like tree trunks. Not a lot of give in the midsection there.

What? No, I'm not talking about midget porn. Why would you think that?

Reid You Animal! said...

Garth.... I think that was a haiku.