Friday, October 31, 2008

My Pledge To You:

If Mike Hunt stops writing stupid shit, I will stop dissecting it here:

It's coincidental, but probably instructive, that Ken Macha last managed in the area where the latest player/coach blowup occurred.

From where I sit, it looks entirely coincidental and not the least bit instructive, Mike. But I'm sure you'll illuminate us in the next 'graph.

San Francisco 49ers interim coach Mike Singletary became a YouTube sensation after he kicked an attitudinally challenged tight end off the field Sunday. A lot of managers and coaches privately applauded Samurai Mike for doing something they'd willingly take repeated prostate exams to do, but know they can't because of the nature of the game.

I'm sorry, what was that?

A lot of managers and coaches privately applauded Samurai Mike for doing something they'd willingly take repeated prostate exams to do, but know they can't because of the nature of the game.

Wow. Let's clean up this sentence, shall we?

In exchange for the joy of booting a player from the game, many coaches would willingly have shit shoved up their ass.

Jesus, where to start. (1) What the fuck made you choose "prostate exam" as the thing a manager would undergo in exchange for kicking one of his players out of the game? Unpleasant trip to the doc this week, Mike? And, more importantly, (2) from what I've heard about prostate exams, no one, under any circumstances, would willingly submit to one.

I mean ... good God, man! I still can't believe you went there.

General managers draft players and sign free agents, and then pay them a whole lot of money. If the manager or coach decides those players cannot play, guess who wins that battle? Let's just say in Billy Beane that Macha had one of the more willful, and influential, GMs going.

Let's also say that Billy Beane is one of, if not the, best general managers in baseball. He's had a pretty good track record identifying talent, wouldn't you say? So, yeah, I guess I'd tend to listen to him if he was telling me: "Give this guy a shot."

Managers manage for results and players play for their next contract. Only the truly enlightened among them understand that the ends have to be neither mutually exclusive nor personal, hence the near-perpetual conflict that makes protracted discussion on the topic so tedious. It's enough to realize that mutual respect becomes self-evident with the effort, so, yes, we'll know soon enough about this hire.

Needed to drive up the word count there a bit, eh? This paragraph reads like one of those high school algebra problems that goes: "If Train A leaves Minneapolis at 4 o'clock, carrying 24 passengers and traveling at 40 mph, and Train B leaves Milwaukee at 2 o'clock, carrying 25 passengers and traveling 35 mph, and both trains make one fifteen-minute potty stop along the way, and Train A's conductor had four whiskey-cokes before his train left, but Train B's conductor is a teetotaler who hasn't had any fun since 1973 ... what does 2 + 2 equal?"

And Macha's fresh eyes might be revelatory. A lot of the same coaches and front-office personnel have seen these players for a long time. As GM Doug Melvin noted, sometimes that dulls the perception.

Maybe, for example, Macha could actually convince Corey Hart that he need not swing at the first pitch. Or, provided the Brewers don't trade Prince Fielder, Macha could tell him what everyone's been dancing around, that Fielder's gotten way too heavy.

Now, hold on. I hate Ned Yost. I've called for his head for the last three years. I've expended more expletives on that miserable piece of gutter shit than I care to remember. But even I don't think Ned Yost sat quietly by and never mentioned that Jon Hart might want to take a pitch every once in a while. I'm sure this was brought to Jon's attention repeatedly. However, because he is at least mildly retarded, I'm not sure that this advice ever stuck.

Now, as for Man-Tits McGee: if you wanna be the one who tries to pry the two-pound bag of Skittles out of his paws, good luck and God bless. Short of that, though, that fucker isn't going to get any slimmer, no matter what Ken Macha says to him.

At the very least, Macha must cure the Brewers' impatient offense and leaky defense. To do that, he need not be their best friend, just honest and consistent.

So, you're hoping for what, exactly? You want him to remind Rickie Weeks that he sucks at fielding every day? That's honest and consistent.

You know what else would help? Not mis-managing the pitching staff. That's probably the area where the manager has the most influence, and it's one of the main reasons Ned got gassed. I'm sure you're going to address that next.

And it's not like the Brewers are taking a gamble on an otherwise proven manager. A two-year contract means they either have to extend Macha or let him go after next season, because a lame duck cannot swim against the currents produced by guaranteed contracts.

Or you could talk about ducks. Fucking hell.

1 comment:

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

This guy is such an artard. I can't believe they pay him to write this drivel. Simply outstanding. And people wonder why print journalism (especially in the newspaper form) is dying.