Tuesday, December 30, 2008

IT’S NOT MY GODDAMN FAULT

First off, I appreciate the invitation into this infamous round table. It didn’t bother me about not having access earlier (let it be known that I never once asked to join or for the site address, but I was aware there was some Cool Shit on the softball sight (those hoops were just so difficult to jump through)). Second, I know every single one of you despise everything Minnesota, but those are the sports teams I grew up with, so I stick with them (win or lose, cheap or not). I am sure if the roles were reversed, you would still cheer for the Crew or the Pack, or for some of you, hate to love them. Also, let me reminded all of you I have not lived there for an extended period of time since the summer of 2001.

Now, to my main point, it’s not my goddamn fault. It’s not my fucking fault Carl Pohlad is too fucking cheap and that he offered the Twins up for contraction. It’s not my goddamn fault the taxpayers in Minnesota didn’t want to give a few extra cents to pay for a new stadium sooner. It’s not my fucking fault that when a new stadium was finally approved, those fucking idiots didn’t want to put a fucking roof on it (at least no one ever suggested using the old Baggie out in right field as the roof). It’s not my fault Minnesotans don’t know how to enjoy a baseball game like god almighty D3some does. It’s not my fault the Vikings have not sold out their playoff game yet. It’s not my fault they love to blow that horn after every play. It's not my fault Favre wanted to play in Minnesota. The Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome is not my fault. It’s not my fault Norm Green fucking stole the team in 93. It’s not my fault that once we did get professional hockey back the state asked all of the 3rd graders who would be going to all of the games what to name the team.

It’s not my fault they elected a former pro wrestler as governor (two month too young to vote in that election) and are about to elect a comedian to the Senate. It’s not my fault Paul’s plane crashed. It’s not my fault that there are more than 10,000 lakes in the state and the state motto is “Land of 10,000 Lakes”. It’s not my fault that the sky is blue. I can go on and on with this.


So with all that said, I hope you all get impacted bowels sitting on your high and mighty sticks here in the land of beer, cheese and sausage.

Love - Kirby

12 comments:

FPMKE said...

Yeah, you high and mighty stick sitters in the land of beer, cheese, and sausage!

This post also qualifies for the "bukake" label. I'm pretty sure he just came in our eyes.

Devil's Threesome said...

Well, Kirby gives us the post of the year on his very first try. Despite what you say, I'm betting you know all the secrets of the Wellstone conspiracy.

BTW, what did I say bad about Twins fans? All I said was that they were too wholesome for their own good.

Devil's Threesome said...

oh, one more thing - BUKKAKE!!!

FPMKE said...

Both spellings are acceptable per Urban Dictionary. If it's on the internets, it has to be true.

Ice Fishing with Kirby said...

D3some-
It was one part of a whole (ie your post on June 13: A Case Against... Twins Fans) as well as other conversations.

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

Wow. How many of the archived posts have you read? Obviously a lot of them with the knowledge you let loose in your post and now in the comments. Kirby, you are a gentleman and one hell of a model American.

EMoney said...

That was iimpressive! Why do I have the sudden urge to stick a fork into my eye?

Devil's Threesome said...

My impacted bowels are hurting.

Rubie Q said...

Holy shit. This is most impressive. I'm reminded of the episode of The Office where Jim staged the Office Olympics, and Kevin dominated in the M&M eating contest:

"Wow. No one else even try. Medals. Give him medals. Give him all the medals."

Rubie Q said...

And I'd also like to make clear that I do not despise "everything Minnesota." I like several things about Minnesota. I like the Gophers. I like Minneapolis. I like the skywalks downtown -- ask Mrs. Q, I once spent a whole day wandering aimlessly around the skywalks. I like that there's no tax on clothes. I like Grain Belt. I like the carpool lane on 394. I like Liquor Lyle's, and Williams (aka the Nutbar), and Town Hall, and the Bulldog. I like that when I went with Sly to visit his folks, his dad called while we were driving and said: "Hey, I got you Milwaukee guys some good Milwaukee beer" ... and it turned out to be Milwaukee's Best Ice. Most of all, I like my buddy Liedl.

So, the only things I don't like are your professional sports teams, and I'm pretty ambivalent on the Wolves and Wild. Really, then, it's just the Vikings and Twins.

Just so we're clear.

Devil's Threesome said...

I like several things about Minnesota.

1) Victories over Pitt & KY at the gawdawful HHH dome
2) Kirby referring to "Mistake" Lake Casino
3) Half of the Dohmen clan moved there in the early 20th century, settling in/near New Prague - hey, we're German folk and figured it would be easy to take over a place called Prague
4) They have White Castle
5) I, too, like the Gophers
6) The Barn
7) The Mooch - just because it's fun to say
8) Clem Haskins - oh, wait

Zone Defense is for Pussies said...

don't forget the awesome boat parties you can have on their 10,000...err...many lakes! 3some-maybe we should have your bachelor party in MN.