Monday, December 29, 2008

Missouri - Algonquin for Vagina

Congratulations and thank you Missouri. Your application for the Paper Tiger Conference has been officially accepted. You will join the esteemed ranks of Michigan St football, Clemson football, Wisconsin basketball, Notre Dame football, Chicago Cubs, Dallas Mavericks and all things Brett Favre. Your proven track record of elevated pre-season rankings and unjustified media fellating well qualifies you for success in this league. The coup de grace was your performance in tonight's Valero Alamo Bowl. Despite a marked talent advantage, a significant big game experience advantage and a Big Ten opponent, you are crapping the bed in a way that would make pre-Vince Young Texas proud. Your senior, previously Heisman candidate quarterback, is throwing picks like our favorite Kiln native. You have so little faith in said ex-Heisman candidate, that you ran the football on 3rd & 8, down 3 at the Northwestern 25 with four mintues left. Fantastic work in giving up on the year and putting the Northwestern Wildcats in a position to win their first bowl game in over 50 years. You have let a white Wildcat named Peterman run up and down the field on you. You have let the china-doll-Fred-Tayloresque running back, Tyrell Sutton, tear holes in your defense. Again, this is a Big 11 team you are playing. The last time we checked, the Big 11 only allows passing on 3rd down, yet you can't stop them. The missed FG at the end of regulation is a fitting resume builder in your season of discontent, not as spectacular as the Cubs' repeated October meltdowns, but impressive nonetheless. The only reason you were able to defeat the mighty Wildcats in OT, was the incompetence of, guess what, a Frenchman named Bacher.

Somewhere, John L. Smith, Dusty Baker and Tommy Bowden are proud. Our only concerns with your resume are the completely baseless firing of the Quinn Snyder Hair several years ago and your students' role in releasing the photos that brought down the HMS Eustachy in 2003.
It'll be a cold, cold day in hell before I recognize Missoura!!

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