This story was posted over on Deadspin today, but I had to post it over here just because I really do think this is what FPMKE is like when coaching youth soccer.
Basically this coach sent out this batshit crazy email to parents about the upcoming soccer season. It is way too good. Let's take a look at it.
OK, here's the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge "Team 7" for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team.
That's just awesome. This is a team of 6 and 7 year old girls being called Green Death.
This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me.
Wow. So not only does he not cater to 6 or 7 year old superstars, he also wants them to be like a pit bull that belonged to a man that is currently in prison. Fantastic.
I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the "W" in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it's good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding).
I actually agree with him a bit here. Kids do need to run around and get bumps and bruises. It is good for them. Saying he hopes the other team is bleeding... now that doesn't sound like fair soccer... or maybe it does. I don't understand the game.
If the refs can't handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.
I actually can't wait for the day that D3S or Rubie have offspring. I need to see them on the sideline giving it to the officials. Actually, Zone could be quite entertaining too.
America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world.
I hope the bit about the global economy was also planned into his first team meeting. Kids eat that shit up.
Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don't animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn't grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.
What a great diet.
Who's with me? Go Green Death!
The most unfortunate part of this story is that he never got to coach the team in one game. He stepped down after some parents and league officials did not see the humor in his email. Apparently you can't joke around in Massachusetts when it comes to girl's youth soccer.
So, FPMKE, does this resemble your coaching philosophy when it comes to youth soccer?