Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I imagine this is what FPMKE is like...

This story was posted over on Deadspin today, but I had to post it over here just because I really do think this is what FPMKE is like when coaching youth soccer.

Basically this coach sent out this batshit crazy email to parents about the upcoming soccer season. It is way too good. Let's take a look at it.

OK, here's the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge "Team 7" for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team.

That's just awesome. This is a team of 6 and 7 year old girls being called Green Death.

This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me.

Wow. So not only does he not cater to 6 or 7 year old superstars, he also wants them to be like a pit bull that belonged to a man that is currently in prison. Fantastic.

I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the "W" in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it's good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding).

I actually agree with him a bit here. Kids do need to run around and get bumps and bruises. It is good for them. Saying he hopes the other team is bleeding... now that doesn't sound like fair soccer... or maybe it does. I don't understand the game.

If the refs can't handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.

I actually can't wait for the day that D3S or Rubie have offspring. I need to see them on the sideline giving it to the officials. Actually, Zone could be quite entertaining too.

America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world.

I hope the bit about the global economy was also planned into his first team meeting. Kids eat that shit up.

Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don't animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn't grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.

What a great diet.

Who's with me? Go Green Death!

The most unfortunate part of this story is that he never got to coach the team in one game. He stepped down after some parents and league officials did not see the humor in his email. Apparently you can't joke around in Massachusetts when it comes to girl's youth soccer.

So, FPMKE, does this resemble your coaching philosophy when it comes to youth soccer?


FPMKE said...

My favorite was when my U8 boys decided they wanted to be "The Red Rockets" and I was the only adult who thought it was inappropriate. My sister was horrified when I informed her that it was a euphemism for an excited dog's dong. That was the same year that the U10 girls decided to be "The Purple Monkeys".

I made my 7-year old nephew cry by making an example of him when he did what I told him not to do. Had he not done what I had asked him not to do, all of those laps wouldn't have been so bad.

Thugs... every year I end up with one or two boys that have mutant DNA and should be playing a level or two up based solely on size. Nothing takes the spirit out of an opposing player quite like bouncing off a kid that size and landing on their ass. Bonus points if they accidentally get stepped on.

Girl teams... here's what you get. 1/3 of them know what they're doing and legitimately want to to be there. 1/3 are out of shape with no talent but play their hearts out. 1/3 are there because their parents forced them to be active; they don't want to be there and they take every opportunity to show up late, distract the rest of the team, and fuck up the game plan
(I actually had a girl doing cartwheels mig-game) ... they also cry to their parents when disciplined and for not receiving "fair" playing time.

God, I can't wait for youth soccer season to start up!

Reid You Animal! said...

At what age do they start teaching the kids to flail their arms violently and fall down as if they were shot anytime another player comes within a foot of them?

Rubie Q said...

"I actually can't wait for the day that D3S or Rubie have offspring."

Um...I can.

FPMKE said...

Together? That would be some fucked up shit. Which one of you is the catcher?

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

Yeah, it's much easier for me to say that it would be great for you guys to have kids.

And if they had one together... I would have to think it would come out like Kirby. Not sure why, but that is scary.