Monday, March 9, 2009

MikeHunt ruins sports!

Since Rubie is out of town, and this particular piece by MikeHunt really got to me, I decided to take a stab at showing everyone how bad it is.

Let's start, shall we?

My World of Sports Would be Perfect

Already a bad a column because nothing this guy could do would be perfect... except maybe a fart.

Things are going to get better, my friend. After the economy rebounds, we will have a leaner, simpler and more efficient way of life.
Accordingly, sports will be operated on a smaller, less-wasteful scale. And you will be very happy about that, indeed.

Not too much to hate about those sentences. I'm no economist, but that makes sense. I also agree that if sports were less-wasteful it would be good. Actually I don't. That's one good thing about sports. It's extravagant. We can live our lives through these athletes. Are they wages ridiculous? Yes. Who cares. They are entertaining.

There will be no commissioners, no Olympic chiefs, no conference bosses. There will be one Sports Czar - me. Because wanton extravagance got us into this mess in the first place, we are here to restore accountability. So, enjoy this utopian vision for your sports future. Otherwise, you will get nothing and like it.

MikeHunt as Sports Czar. Yeah. That will work.

For high schools, there will be no more cross-country games. Instead of being on airplanes for the glory and profit of cable TV, the children will be in class.

Stupid. Sports coverage is getting younger. Seeing cross-country high school games can be very cool. It is awesome to see it in person when a recruit plays against local competition at the Al.

There will be no more shamefully exploitive prep signing-day TV shows. College scholarships will be signed in privacy during study hall, lunch or after school. There will be no more recruiting gurus, who can project a kid's future no better than my rat terrier.

Prep signing day is a little ridiculous, but it is a time for these guys to shine before they are beaten down in college. Go ahead. Oh, and he owns a rat terrier? No comment.

There will be no playoff system for Division I college football. There will be no polls and 12 bowl games. After being certified, 11 voters will be chosen to select a national champion. If a playoff system existed, you'd have nothing to complain about. Trust us, you are happier when you can complain.

D3S can comment on this since he is our resident expert.

There will be no conference championship games. The regular season will be limited to 10 games with a bye so these kids don't get so beat up. The one nonconference game will be against a major-conference opponent. Wisconsin will thank us for disallowing Cal Poly.
The college basketball tournament will be reduced to 32 teams. There will be no conference tournaments. Regular-season games will actually mean something.

The above sentences are so mindblowingly stupid that I can't even type right now. A 32 team tournament? Is the only person that likes that? I love the tourney more than any other sporting event and this jerk wants to make it shorter and less interesting? Just goes to show you that he knows nothing and that his rat terrier could write a better newspaper column.

There will be no more bonuses for college coaches. Players from the revenue sports, the ones who make millions for the school, will get a $400-a-month living allowance in addition to their scholarships. Any bonuses the coaches would've received will go into a pool to pay the stipends.
Scholarships will bind a player to a school for four years. If a young man wishes to go pro, he may do so out of high school for any sport and assume all risks for football. Coaches must honor their contracts. No more job-hopping.

This group starts off okay. Part of me thinks the student athletes should get something more. I know free education is awesome, but they do go through a lot of crap and make a ton (major sports that is) for the universities. The binding scholarship is not a horrible idea, but it just wouldn't work. I'm actually glad our coach job-hopped, so I have no comment there.

Franchise relocations for pro sports will be banned. Cities on both ends will no longer be held hostage. If a team cannot pay its bills, it will be contracted. No more expansion, either.
Hard salary caps will be imposed on all leagues. So will minimum payrolls. All contracts will be nonguaranteed with equitable buyouts upon termination. Everyone would be a free agent at the end of the season, but players would be substantially rewarded to stay put.

Sweet. Let's contract broke teams. There goes half of the NBA. Great idea. That ought to make the league more interesting... not. Everyone would be a free agent at the end of the season? Does anyone else see the huge problems? Substantially rewarded to stay put? I thought there were salary caps? Is a reward getting to read a column about them written by your rat terrier?

The NBA and NHL will play 50 games. Eight teams will qualify for the playoffs. In-game entertainment will be limited to the hardwood and the ice. No more T-shirt cannons and eardrum-puncturing racket.
Baseball will play 132 games with the wild card. The NFL will play one exhibition game and maintain everything else except the Pro Bowl.

Stupid. One of the only reasons to go to an NBA is for the shot at a free t-shirt. The baseball season is long, but man do I love it. I agree the Pro Bowl is stupid. They need some sort of adult Double Dare for the players to do. That I would watch.

MLB will no longer supply players to the World Baseball Classic, just as the NBA and NHL will be out of the Olympic business. The Olympics will be completed in nine days and, to greatly reduce venue costs, will be permanently held in Paris and Zurich for the Sport Czar's benefit.

Paris and Zurich for the Czar's benefit? He must really like the food there.

Finally, all cheaters would be given a choice: Permanent exile or the chance to join an anything-goes, Thunderdome-type league in Vegas. The revenue from that alone would pay for everything else.

Yeah, put the cheaters in Vegas. What a great idea.

I think we've all learned what we already knew. MikeHunt doesn't know what the hell he is talking about. Apparently the JS will put anything out there. What a douche

1 comment:

FPMKE said...

Va jay,

Thanks for bringing us back to what we're supposed to do; blogging about BS. Here's to hoping that Kirby takes me out for a Cherry Limeade this weekend prior to that awesome rock show we're going to see.