Friday, April 24, 2009

If You Liked The Llama On Baseball ...

You'll love the Llama on the NFL Draft!

And play along at home as we count the cringe-inducing metaphors.

There are plenty of needs to be addressed at No. 9 so Ted Thompson can do no wrong with the directio.

Annnnndddd ... we're off! We almost made it a whole sentence without a grammar error / spelling mistake. This, for Toddles, is significant progress.

That said: "directio"? Even if you slapped an "n" on the end of that word, what the fuck does that sentence mean? He can do no wrong with the "direction"? Wasn't aware that teams were going to be making directions this weekend; most of us call them "picks."

Well, okay the player could be a bust but with his penchant for taking the best player available, we may not have that head scratching feeling like when he took Justin Harrell.

OK, hold up a tick. Let's try to clean this up a little: what the Llama is saying (as best I can tell) is that because Ted Thompson's plan in the draft is to take the best player available, whatever pick Ted makes in 2009 won't leave Packer fans confused, like they were when Ted picked Justin Harrell. But ... wasn't Ted's plan to take the best player available when he drafted Harrell? I don't think Ted drafted him saying: "He's a project, but it's a position of need and we wanted him anyway."

The needs in the trenches, linebacker, and fullback leave Ted Thompson in the perfect position to get with his maxim of best player available and not a soul will throw up their arms.

Oh, so many things:

(1) Fullback? Really? The needs at FULLBACK are greater than the needs at corner, or back-up QB, or tight end, or running back? That's what you're going with? Fullback? I'm not even going to bother looking up the last fullback taken in the first round, because I think I can safely assume said pick occurred in roughly 1952.

(2) The needs at various positions "leave Ted Thompson in the perfect position to get with his maxim..." Wow. Either Todd Welter is speaking some type of slang that I've not heard before ("Hey, what are you guys doing tonight?" "Oh, I don't know, I was just thinkin' about gettin' with my maxim"), or his blog posts are being ghostwritten by a dolphin who has never seen a professional football game.

(3) Souls don't have arms.

My stance leading up to this weekend has been Drafter Ted must take a defensive lineman. The Packers' pass rush could not find the quarterback if it had the help of a Sherpa.

One cringe-inducing metaphor! Ha ha ha!

Now I am changing my tune. The Packers must select one of the quality offensive tackles that are available.

I don't much care who the Packers take in the draft. You want to take an offensive lineman? Awesome. Knock yourself out. But let me offer six words that might give you pause: Tony Mandarich. John Michels. Ross Verba.

Rodgers proved he was tougher than a two dollar steak last season.

Two cringe-inducing metaphors! Ha ha ha!

Chad Clifton is declining worse than the NASDAQ.

Three cringe-inducting metaphors! Ha ha ha!

Andre Smith or Michael Oher should be available at No. 9. They have question marks but not like Moll. Smith and Oher both have higher ceilings. Remember, Smith was being talked about at one point of being a top five pick.

Then he showed himself to be bat-shit insane.

And he took his shirt off to run the 40 (w/ love to Chuckie Hacks):

(Note: Them glorious man-titties call to mind the classic scene from The Simpsons "X-Files" episode, where Agents Mulder and Scully were performing a battery of tests on Homer, one of which involved Homer running on a treadmill -- and goddammit to hell that I can't find a picture or video:

MULDER: Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?

SCULLY: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.

MULDER: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.

SCULLY: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.)

Let's not forgot another player that went from being a possible top five pick to being a Ted Thompson pick and things have turned out nicely.

Yes, please, let's not "forgot" that player at all.

Ted Thompson will have to pick what he cherishes more--keeping his quarterback upright or killing the opponent's quarterback. In this case, we know Rodgers is on the peak of greatness. He will not achieve greatness if he becomes an imprint on Lambeau Field.

Holy hell, man: Rodgers is "on the peak" of greatness, but he will not achieve it if we don't take a tackle? Typically, if someone is on the "peak" of greatness, that means they're already fucking great. Perhaps the word you were looking for was "precipice." I understand that's a tricky one, since both words start with "p" and you haven't learned "precipice" in your seventh-grade vocab studies yet.

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