Monday, April 13, 2009

Sportswriting 101 With The Llama.

A quick hitter from the Llama today. And, really, all you need to do is read the first paragraph to grasp the awe-inspiring, dimwitted majesty that is Todd Welter.

In fact, let's write our own lead-in to a sports column by using The Llama Model. Ready, class?

The Masters is a tradition unlike any other.

OK, use the cliched tag line of the sport/sporting event:

The NBA is FANNNN-tastic! Check.

Augusta National is one of the most beautiful courses in the world.

Now, reference something about the place where the sport is played -- something that is only tangentially related to the sporting event:

I'm told that the L.A. Lakers play in a nice, clean arena. Check.

Only swimsuit models are prettier.

Um, OK. A clause that, once again, doesn't even relate to the sporting event, and, really, when you get down to it, is a bizarre comparison for the place where the sporting event is played. (Seriously -- comparing a woman in a bikini to trees and grass? Alright, dude.)

Only Danny Tanner's bathroom is cleaner. Check.

The best part of watching the Masters is the final round nap I end up taking.

Oh. A sentence that makes clear I don't even watch the sporting event I'm writing about:

I love the NBA and the L.A. Lakers and their very clean arena because, sometimes, I will make a sandwich in the kitchen while the game is on in the background. Then I turn on SpongeBob SquarePants and eat my sandwich. Check.

Let’s face it, watching golf is much like watching baseball - A lot of nothing going on that lulls you to sleep and you wake up just in time for the good stuff.

And then a sentence that shows I really don't like sports in the first place:

Let's face it, watching the NBA is a lot like watching any other sport -- if you're not a fan of the game, it looks like a bunch of athletic dudes performing random acts to accomplish an ultimately irrelevant goal. If there were Martians, and if those Martians came to earth, and if those Martians watched a basketball game, they'd probably say: "This is retarded. What the fuck are they trying to throw that ball into that cylinder for? Why do they have to bounce that ball in between attempts to throw the ball into the cylinder? Seems like a waste of two hours." Sometimes, I feel like those Martians, largely because I'm a jackass. Check.

Hey, that runs together pretty well. Good job, class!


Devil's Threesome said...

come on Rubes - didn't you enjoy how he re-printed text messages he got from his buddy during Brewer games?

In case anyone cares, I received this text from Reid on Friday night - "I'm gonna finish my cigarette, then I'm gonna hop a cab out there and beat your fucking ass." Looks like Welter went to Sports Guy school. "You know what my buddy Hench said?" Sigh.

Rubie Q said...

I missed that. Goddammit, I wanted to get some work done this afternoon. Looks like it's a two-post afternoon...

"My buddy J-Bug and my buddy House were talking about X, and that reminded me about [80s movie], and, like Rocky said: 'Yo Adrian!' Good times!"

Devil's Threesome said...

plenty of fodder in MikeHunt's column to bring back baseball at UW.
Just painful, maybe we can sketch a joint column at the Crew game tonight.

Rubie Q said...

Phew. I don't have to do another post on the Llama. A comment is enough.

Llama says:

Hindsight is always 20/20 but why do you pitch to Koyie Hill when Rich Harden was in the on deck circle?

I don't know ... maybe because Koyie Hill is a terrible fucking baseball player, a guy who's hit four fucking homers in his career and batted .095 last season? Maybe that's why.

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

just a thought on baseball strategy last night...why didn't counsell try to turn the double play on Dempster instead of going home and trying to get the double play that way. the ball was hit right to him and with the pitcher running it might have made more sense to try the conventional double play...after that the walking in runs started. man that was frustrating.