A quick hitter from the Llama today. And, really, all you need to do is read the first paragraph to grasp the awe-inspiring, dimwitted majesty that is Todd Welter.
In fact, let's write our own lead-in to a sports column by using The Llama Model. Ready, class?
The Masters is a tradition unlike any other.
OK, use the cliched tag line of the sport/sporting event:
The NBA is FANNNN-tastic! Check.
Augusta National is one of the most beautiful courses in the world.
Now, reference something about the place where the sport is played -- something that is only tangentially related to the sporting event:
I'm told that the L.A. Lakers play in a nice, clean arena. Check.
Only swimsuit models are prettier.
Um, OK. A clause that, once again, doesn't even relate to the sporting event, and, really, when you get down to it, is a bizarre comparison for the place where the sporting event is played. (Seriously -- comparing a woman in a bikini to trees and grass? Alright, dude.)
Only Danny Tanner's bathroom is cleaner. Check.
The best part of watching the Masters is the final round nap I end up taking.
Oh. A sentence that makes clear I don't even watch the sporting event I'm writing about:
I love the NBA and the L.A. Lakers and their very clean arena because, sometimes, I will make a sandwich in the kitchen while the game is on in the background. Then I turn on SpongeBob SquarePants and eat my sandwich. Check.
Let’s face it, watching golf is much like watching baseball - A lot of nothing going on that lulls you to sleep and you wake up just in time for the good stuff.
And then a sentence that shows I really don't like sports in the first place:
Let's face it, watching the NBA is a lot like watching any other sport -- if you're not a fan of the game, it looks like a bunch of athletic dudes performing random acts to accomplish an ultimately irrelevant goal. If there were Martians, and if those Martians came to earth, and if those Martians watched a basketball game, they'd probably say: "This is retarded. What the fuck are they trying to throw that ball into that cylinder for? Why do they have to bounce that ball in between attempts to throw the ball into the cylinder? Seems like a waste of two hours." Sometimes, I feel like those Martians, largely because I'm a jackass. Check.
Hey, that runs together pretty well. Good job, class!