Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sweeping Generalizations That Can Be Proclaimed With Utmost Confidence.

This will be the Summer of Rickie Weeks -- provided, of course, that he can keep his on-base percentage at .800 and his slugging at 1.000. Based on the results of the first game, neither task should be a problem.

Jeff Suppan will lose 20 games this year, and will join Rafael Roque, Steve Woodard, and Ben McDonald as the Worst Pitchers to Start an Opening Day Game for the Crew.

(But seriously: can we put this asshole out to stud, so he can sire a new generation of shitty "pitch to contact" pitchers who sport 1.5+ WHIPs and get paid $12 million per year? Goddammitalltohell, I hate Jeff Suppan.)

(And another thing: I just came up with a test that I want Doug Melvin to apply before signing a big-money free agent pitcher. I want you to ponder this, Doug: think about all the teams someone like Jeff Suppan has played for. Pirates, Cardinals, Red Sox, right? Lots of teams. Lots of fans. Has any fan of any of those teams ever looked at the pitching match-up for a night where Suppan was scheduled to pitch and said: "Kick ass! We've got Suppan going tonight!"? No. No. Clearly, the answer is no. No one is excited to have Jeff Suppan pitching for their team; the most enthusiastic reaction you could possibly hear is: "Eh. I guess it's better than Jamey Wright." If that's the case, please do not sign that pitcher to a $48 million contract. Thank you.)

I was wrong: apparently, all Mike Cameron needed to do to was listen to all those people telling him to stop striking out. It seems he'd never heard that before, but it clearly worked, as he's on pace to strike out zero (0) times this year. So thank you, enlightened Brewers fans. Thank you, talking heads at WSSP. Thank you, Todd Welter. You taught an old dog a new trick.

Seth McClung, aka MC Lung, aka the Red Menace, aka the Would-Be Closer WHO CAN'T STOP WALKING PEOPLE, won't have a job by June. (Actually ... that one might not be far off ...)

We're playing Sveumball, baby! Thanks to Dale's influence, the Brewers should draw around eight walks per contest and chase the opposing pitcher from the game by the third inning.

(That said, maybe Timmy Lincecum left after three innings because he was worried that Pink and Benny and O'Bannion would be waiting for him outside when the game got done:




Be honest: if Lincecum wasn't in his uniform, you couldn't tell them apart, could you?)

13 comments:

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

What about their closer Brian Wilson. Besides sharing a name with a Beach Boy, I don't remember him looking like that last year. He is obviously hiding a mohawk or something underneath his hat. He has some interesting tattoos on his arms and I'm pretty sure I heard some hard rocking music coming out of the speakers. Is San Francisco trying to be the new Oakland with these badasses?

Rubie Q said...

Or he just saw "Major League" for the first time this off-season.

How does that guy not come in from the bullpen to "Good Vibrations"?

EMoney said...

I think yesterday's performance will sum up the entire Brewer's '09 campaign.

1. Horrible Horrible pitching staff top to bottom.

2. Continue to leave too many men on base. It's one thing to make an out and at least advance the runners, but striking it as often as they do when runners are on and 0 or 1 out is unacceptable.

We ran possibly the NL's best pitcher out in 4 innings, had the lead, yet somehow lost by surrendering 10 runs to a team that finished near the bottom in all offensive categories last year. Pathetic!

I rescind my prediction for the Brewers record this year. 78-84. It's going to get ugly.

EMoney said...

Oh I forget....that Dazed and Confused reference is priceless! I almost pissed myself.

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

its the first game people let's all relax

EMoney said...

I'm relaxed. But I am also realistic. There's no way we make the playoffs last year without CC. He carried this team down the stretch with his, what, 20 complete games. Now we don't have CC or Sheets for that matter. Say what you will about Sheets, I'd rather have Sheets pitch half the year than have Suppan be our #1 starter.

I know what you're saying concerning it's only 1 game. However, if I compare this year's team to last year's, we are the same offensively, our pitching staff has taken a large step backward, and while we did finally make the playoffs last year, we crawled in on the back of Sabathia and Braun's hot bat the last 4 days.

Rubie Q said...

The fact that Suppan started the first game doesn't mean he's our No. 1 pitcher. It just means he's the guy whose turn in the rotation came up first.

Devil's Threesome said...

Lincecum isn't that kid. He doesn't touch his face nearly enough to be that kid.

"Sorry, ma'am, there were some ruffians about and we escorting this young men home."
Sadly, that was Ben Affleck's most likeable role.

Regarding the Brewers, I'm not worried because I had ZERO expectations to begin the year. We made the playoffs for the first time in 26 years, 2009 is all gravy.

EMoney said...

I'm setting the over/under at 81 wins. I'll take the under. Any takers on the over? The usual bet....$1.

Rubie Q said...

I got the over. I'm strangely optimistic. Double or nothing, since I lost our bet on Marquette's number of Big East wins.

Devil's Threesome said...

Rubes - what is instilling this confidence? Or are you trying to be less cranky at the request of your woman?

Rubie Q said...

I don't know what it is, D3. I just feel like people are undervaluing this team. We've got a lot of really good ballplayers, and the only difference from the beginning of last year -- when we were expected to contend -- is no Sheets.

J.J., Hart, Prince, and (his blatant flaws notwithstanding) Rickie have won at every level they've played at, including last year. Yes, the pitching is thin. But that's true of every other team in baseball save the Red Sox and Yanks. (Seriously -- have you seen the Astros rotation? RUSS ORTIZ?!?)

It's probably foolish optimism, but I'm going with it.

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

trying to be less cranky at the request of your woman?


that's fucking hillarious!