Wednesday, May 6, 2009

On Today's Episode of 'The Gunslinger And The Dipshit':

[SCENE: An alleyway. A dark figure in a trench coat emerges from the shadows...]

TRENCH COAT GUY: [Whistles, then whispers] Hey, Chill Man -- you here yet?

[BRAD CHILDRESS crawls out from behind a dumpster.]

CHILLER: Fuck, man, I've been kneeling on a used diaper for the last ... FUCK! Ted Thompson! Oh, fuck! I knew this was a trap!

TRENCH COAT GUY: Hey, calm down, man. I'm incognito. [Takes off Ted Thompson mask.]

See? It's me, Brett. I'm a devious MF'er, man. I wore this in case we were followed. Nobody would believe Ted Thompson would be slinking around in alleys to meet with Brad Childress.

CHILLER: That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense at all. Why didn't you just put on a fucking hat?

FAVRE: I brought one. I'll put it on.

Hey, hold on, Chill Man -- why aren't we referring to each other by our code names?

CHILLER: Jesus -- you were serious about that, Brett?

FAVRE: Not Brett, dickface! Use my code name!

CHILLER: I don't even remember which one we settled on. Am I "Boss" and you're "Hogg"?

FAVRE: No, fuckwit -- I'm Bo Duke and you're Luke Duke.

CHILLER: Fine. Hey, Bo Duke.

FAVRE: Wait -- which one is Bo Duke?

CHILLER: Bo Duke is the one with brown hair. Played by Tom Wopat. Seriously -- we talked about this for a good 45 minutes yesterday. You told me about all of your favorite episodes.

FAVRE: Right. [Pauses for a good 15 seconds.] Then which one is Luke Duke?

CHILLER: The blonde one! Played by John Schneider. Come on, Brett!

FAVRE: Hey! It's Bo Duke, asshole!

CHILLER: Fine -- hey, Bo Duke.

FAVRE: Hey, Luke Duke. Thanks for meeting me in this undisclosed location. Over.

CHILLER: Dipshit, we're not talking on walkie-talkies. I'm fucking standing right here. You don't have to say "over" when you finish a sentence.

Anyway: you said we couldn't talk about this on the phone. So what's going on?

FAVRE: Here's the thing, Luke Duke: Bo Duke can't play ball anymore. My arm's falling apart, I'm really old, and I don't think my legs would hold up playing on concrete covered in carpet. Plus, if I signed to play with the Vikings, it's a guaran-damn-tee that the Packers would kick the shit out of our team twice. I'd be too excited, and you've seen what happens when I get too jazzed up and want to show somebody that I've still got the goods. Plus, I've been ridiculously overrated for about the last five years or so; when's the last time you saw me put the team on my back and lead them to victory? I just can't do that anymore. So I can't sign with your team.

CHILLER: Oh. Well. That's kind of surprising, Bo Duke. I thought you wanted to play one more year.

FAVRE: Well, I do, but I really only want to play two games. Don't get me wrong -- I'm such a prima donna that I'd willingly trash the remnants of my legacy with the Packers just for the chance to stick it up Teddy's shithole two times. I mean, I'm really that dumb. I'm really that short-sighted. I'm really that insecure. But I'm not going to do shit in those other 14 games, and I don't really want to get benched for Sage Rosenfels after my third consecutive three-pick performance.

CHILLER: Hmm. So if you don't want to play, why'd you ask me to meet you?

FAVRE: Here's why. [Reaches in pocket.]

CHILLER: What the fuck! Is that dog shit?

FAVRE: Yep. I want you to put this on Ted's doorstep and light it on fire.

CHILLER: Jesus! You're supposed to put it in a paper bag, you fucking moron! How long have you been walking around with loose dog shit in your pocket?

FAVRE: Couple days. So: will you do it?

CHILLER: Lemme get this straight: you asked me to meet with you so you could give me some dog turds to put on Ted Thompson's doorstep?

FAVRE: Yeah. I thought about asking you to bring me his head on a platter, but that was a little too Biblical for Ol' No. 4.

CHILLER: My God, you're a sick, sick man.

FAVRE: Hey, man, this shit is starting to melt in my hand. You gonna help me out or not?

CHILLER: Fuck! That's disgusting! Don't you have a Ziploc bag or anything?

FAVRE: Nope. Carrying it around in my pocket is more gunslinger-y. More reckless. Plus: I'm comfortable in my Wranglers, and even more comfortable with dog shit in the pocket of my Wranglers.

CHILLER: [sighs] Fine. Hand it over.

FAVRE: Thanks, Luke Duke. Shit -- there's my ride. Gotta bail.


Devil's Threesome said...

I really want Kirby's take on this.
Plesae, please, please play with the Vikings. I would do anything to see Favre get booed in Lambeau.

Master Reid said...

I want to see how many crazies still stand by, staunchly defend him, and continue to insist that this isn't his fault. Come on "Packer Fans", run out and get your Favre Vikings jersey and tell me about how this is all Ted Thompson's fault.

Devil's Threesome said...

Well, 79% of people on a JSOnline poll said they would not root for him. That's a good start. 12% said they would root for him no what. I'm assuming/hoping that those people don't know how to properly operate a JSOnline poll and picked the wrong selection.

Rubie Q said...

Oh no, there are plenty of people out there who stand ready to defend No. 4 to the death, no matter what he does. Witness the dude who was sitting at the bar at Bar Louie the other night who said: "If Favre comes back for the Vikings, I'll cheer against the Packers in those two games."

FPMKE said...

Those people, are fucktards.

Nice work Rubie.

Ice Fishing with Kirby said...

Fun with fake screenplays needs to be a monthly if not weekly post. That was hilarious. As for my take on the whole cluster fuck, only one thing to say: Favre in purple can’t be any worse than the other options the VIKINGS have currently. I have always hated the Pack and Favre and I am sick and tired of hearing if he is going to retire and then un-retire and then retire again. So an end needs to come and come soon. But do I want to see Favre in purple? Sure, why not? What could it hurt? At lease Favre will fit in, Minnesotans do like their spite.

Rubie Q said...

Now that we've heard Kirby's opinion, I say this even more earnestly:

PLEASE let this happen. Please please please please please.

I am extending an official invitation to everyone at the Buffet, but especially Kirby, to come over to watch the Vikings last regular season game this year -- or, as I like to call it, the One Where The Division Is On The Line and Favre throws a back-breaking interception late in the fourth quarter.


FPMKE said...

I'd come to casa de Rubie if you promise to make a traditional Minnesotan hot dish.

EMoney said...

I for one hope that the Viking thing works out for him and he leads the Vikings to a Superbowl Championship. Go Favre!