Thursday, August 13, 2009

So: Pitino.

Fellas, I'm at a loss on this one. Every time I think the story can't get any more ridiculous, another detail comes out and I start shaking my head all over again.

I mean, you chose one thing from this list and tell me it's any more preposterous than the next one:

(1) Pitino shacks up with the woman in a swanky Louisville restaurant after the place has closed for the night, like he's freakin' Shane Falco in The Replacements.

(2) The woman contacts him two weeks later, says she needs to have an abortion but doesn't have the health insurance to pay for it, and Pitino forks over $3000 to foot the bill.

(3) The woman eventually marries Louisville's equipment manager. (Have you face-palmed yet?)

(4) The equipment manager submits a list of the woman's demands (ala George Bluth in Arrested Development: "These ... are my demands"), including $3000 per month (not for more abortions, presumably), two cars, and college tuition for her kids. Said demands lead to ...

(5) The woman being indicted by the Federalis for trying to extort Pitino.

(6) Pitino makes a public apology for his "indiscretion," and, for some reason, finds it necessary to reference 9/11 in the speech.

I mean: holy fuck. This thing reads like a three-episode arc of Mad Men. Say what you will about Crean (and I have said and will continue to say plenty): I don't think he's capable of something like this. (Though: Crean probably isn't the most alluring candidate to a woman looking to hook up with a basketball coach. I don't know that many women would be aroused by a man pacing furiously back and forth, clapping his hands and screaming: "Let's go! Let's go! LET'S GO!", which is how I imagine Tan Tommy performs in the bedroom.)

8 comments:

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

couple of thoughts: 2 weeks after the booth incident she called Slick Rick to say she was pregnant and they decided to meet at the dowtown condo of the Louisville equipment manager...who she eventually married. I'm sure that made the Slickster very confortable that she married someone in the program so she'll always be around.

Oh and the whole 9/11 thing...it happened 2 years prior to the affair in Aug. 2003. I mean seriously...two years after 9/11.

There was a line in his presser about how he always tells his players to tell the truth and the event will be in your past but if you lie it will be in your future and then he goes on to say taht he decided to tell the truth 7 months ago...yeah after lying about it for the past 6 years. What a joke!

Master Reid said...

The whole marrying the strength coach (or whatever his title was) has got to be the most bizzare element of this whole thing. Who the fuck marries someone that he only met because she was at his condo to meet with his boss, whom she had previously banged in a closed restaurant, so he could slip her some cash for "health insurance"? What makes him go, "Hmm, that looks like wife material right there"? Then they throw in the line "Cunagin and Sypher are now seperated" and I just have to laugh my ass off. Ya think???

EMoney said...

So not only does slick Rick introduce the White Out at Freedom Hall, he brings a "White Out" to some chick in a booth at a nearby Italian restaurant. Hilarious! I always knew he was classy.

Master Reid said...

Oh, and I loved the Shane Falco reference. Of all the ways you could've gone with that...

Master Reid said...

The only way this could've been more hilarious is if it had taken place in Sully's nightclub, and the eye witness was Pauly Shore.

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

You just won a fuckin' Snuggie!

FPMKE said...

LOL, thanks Rubie.

Devil's Threesome said...

I'm stealing this line from a co-worker, but Slick Rick didn't learn from Kirby Puckett. It's never a good idea to mess around with a middle aged woman at a restaurant.