Thursday, August 6, 2009

Tom Haudricourt Hates You, And So Do I.

While Anthony Witrado was busily "reporting" on the Fielder-Mota Incident (if, by "reporting," you mean: "publicly trashing Prince and the rest of the team, even though he wasn't there to actually, you know, see the attempt to get into the clubhouse"), Tom Haudricourt was back in Milwaukee doing what he loves most: answering questions from fans in a JSOnline Chat.

The thing is an absolutely delightful read; you can picture Tom angrily pecking away at the keyboard with one hand while flipping off the screen with the other.

In fact, based on his responses, it seems that I might have a kindred spirit in Tom Haudricourt: we're both gloomy, angry, and we really don't like stupid people.

Let's Rubie-fy some of Tom's answers, shall we? We'll call this: "What Tom Wishes He Could Have Written":

Q: Kris, Madison, WI - Hi Tom, I thought the original estimate was for Ben Sheets to be healthy by the All-Star break. Any word on his health (I would imagine not good), or why no teams have explored adding him? Thank you!

A: Shit-for-Brains: do you really think that if a pitcher like Ben Sheets was ready to return to baseball, teams would have been trying to trade for pitchers like Brian Bannister or Kevin Corereiraia?

Q: Fz of UG, Union Grove, Wi - Is the Escobar that plays SS for the Atlanta Braves and the Brewers Escobar in triple A related?

A: Of course they are. I mean, it's not like "Escobar" is a common surname or anything. Oh, wait -- yes. Yes, yes it is. In fact, it's a very common surname, you ignorant, racist fuck. Seriously -- would you ask if two people with the last name "Smith" were related?

Q: JTChiguy, Chicago Il - At what point in the season do you think the Brewers will determine they are out of it? Do you think they will put any players with big contracts on the waiver wire to try and get a team to pick up a big contract or possibly trade them? Suppan, Cameron, Kendall, etc.

A: I ask this in all earnestness, "JTChiguy": do you take Dipshit pills in the morning? What team, in this or any other dimension, would put in a waiver claim for Jeff Suppan? For fuck's sake, queef-stain, this isn't a game of Old Maid; you don't put a guy like Suppan on waivers, wait for another team to absent-mindedly claim him, and then say: "Ha! Fucker! Gotcha! We're gonna let you take him!" The Brewers are stuck with Suppan for the next year and two months. THIS. IS NOT. GOING. TO CHANGE.

Q: jar399 - I was shocked at how dramatically better Villenueva's ERA is on the road. Any chance Macha will platoon him in the 5 hole and have him pitch road games only?

A: Enjoying your time off, Ned? This was a mind-blowingly dumb idea when you tried it last season with McDouche and Bush, and it's even stupider now (if that's even possible).

Q: Dave, Columbia MD. - Tom, I can't for the life of me understand why the Brewers never gave Tony Gwynn Jr. a chance. I know he was injured somewhat, but a solid hitter number 2 hitter. We get one more year out of the "strike out" king Mike Cameron and than what?

A: Dave, I can't for the life of me figure out how someone as dumb as you manages not to walk into oncoming traffic three times a day. Jesus, man -- you don't even know where Gwynn hits in the line-up. And as for the "'strike out' king": he has a higher OBP than Your Lord and Saviour, and his OPS is about 90 points higher. In closing: I hate you.


Devil's Threesome said...

They don't call him the Prince of Darkness for nothing. I didn't see the Witrado stuff, may have to look that up.

Master Reid said...

I fucking love this. I read these chats whenever they come out and you can just hear the disdain in Haudricourt's voice growing with each idiotic question. It's like he'd rather be doing anything else in the world instead of answering these damn questions.