Monday, September 14, 2009

The Red Recap

Buffet management has requested that I contribute for once to this fair blog. So, here goes what may become a weekly feature, the Red Recap. The Red Recap will include the previous week’s results for the most holy and upright Nebraska Cornhuskers and the flu-ridden Wisconsin Badgers. Personally, I think Rubes is angling for more SportsBubbler links. Anyway, here goes our maiden voyage:

Nebraska Cornhuskers
Last Week’s Opponent: Arkansas State – just another tomato can Sun Belt team, but a tomato can that beat Mike Sherman’s (snicker) Texas A&M Aggies last year.

Last Week’s Result: 38-9 pasting of the (Indians) Red Wolves. Zac Lee piled up 340 passing yards and four touchdowns. The game was never in question as the Huskers rolled out to a 21-0 lead. Of concern was the lack of a running game and the defense gave up some big plays.

Next Week’s Opponent: @Virginia Tech – yep, an actual, living, breathing football team and the game is being played (gasp!) on the road!!! A special thanks goes out to Barry Alvarez & Bret Bielema. You see, Wisconsin has VT scheduled, but pussied out of the contract and scheduled Wofford instead.

Next Week’s Predicted Result: Fuck, this is too hard, but I’m bullish on the Huskers. VT has no passing attack and the Husker defense has improved from 2008. How will Zac Lee respond to his first real test…on the road? I’ll take the homer pick and go with the Huskers in a close, often ugly 23-22 win.

Current Season Outlook: Partly cloudy with seasonal temperatures. Road trips to Missouri & Kansas will tell the story of the season

Predicted Bowl: Alamo

Wisconsin Badgers
Last Week’s Opponent: Fresno St – Just call Fresno the indy band your friend loves and is always talking about, but you can’t fucking stand. You saw them live, and they suck, but they seem to get pub for no fucking reason. They had one song in a car commercial once (close call against USC in 2005), but the back halves of their albums (conference season) always blow ass

Last Week’s Result: 34-31 2OT victory. Outplayed for much of game, UW capitalized (got really fucking lucky) b/c Fresno handed them the ball the whole second half. Scott Tolzien looks semi-competent behind center, but so would Liza Minelli after the abortive Dustin Sherererererer era. John Clay’s amazing inflexible body rumbled for a 72 yard TD. UW’s run game was fairly pedestrian outside of the long touchdown and their secondary was positively torched in the first half. Trouble could start once Big 11 season rolls around.

Next Week’s Opponent: Wofford Terriers – this sounds like a team MU would schedule in basketball. In case you didn’t know, Wofford is a D-1AA team. We all remember the last 1-AA team to enter Camp Randall. The Badgers needed 3 missed PATs to pull off the win against Cal Poly.

Next Week’s Predicted Result: 34-16 – do yourself a favor and don’t watch this game, just don’t. It will be ugly as hell. Watch Minnesota-Cal instead at 11 am on ESPN.

Current Season Outlook: Bright and sunny this week but some big fucking thunderheads are looming on the horizon. Here’s to hoping the tornado sirens are going off in 3-4 weeks and Bret & Barry are running for the basement.

Predicted Bowl: Motor City Bowl

6 comments:

Rubie Q said...

Listen, man, if we're going to keep paying you six figures, I'm going to expect more than an occasional comment on an NFL post.

And, no, I'm not trying to get links -- I want to be able to intelligently make fun of Badger fans, and I had no idea if Fresno was any good.

Good post. You've earned your Schrute bucks for the week.

Master Reid said...

Good post dude. I look forward to reading future editions. However, because my knowledge/interest in the college football arena is completely dwarfed by yours, I am unable to make any thoughtful comment at this time other than: Fuck the Badgers.

I did manage to catch the end of the OSU/USC game. And all I can think to say is: HAHA!! (done in the style of Nelson Muntz).

Deedub said...

Well done D3. V-Tech is a toss up. I'm more concerned about beating Missouri on the 8th.

Rubie Q said...

I forgot to ask in my previous comment:

You predicted a 23-22 Nebraska win. How is Tech going to end on 22 points? You anticipating a safety somewhere along the line?

Devil's Threesome said...

Tech scores in all kinds of jacked up ways. I could see a safety or I could see 6 FGs and 2 safeties or 3 TDs, 3 botched PATs and 2 safeties.

You'll be reminded 800 bazillion times on Saturday that VT plays Beamerball, which means that the announcers will talk about their special teams even though they have been outplayed each of the last two years.

Devil's Threesome said...

From Matt Hinton @ Doc Saturday:

"Bret Bielema blamed his team's poor performance on 'flu-like symptoms' affecting a large number of players, which are startlingly similar to the symptoms of 'not being very good at football.'"

People from Mississippi agree - Wisconsin sucks.