Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Running of the Quevedo: A Photo Essay

So, we've gotten a lot of mileage out of Ruben Quevedo this week, perhaps more mileage than any MLB team every got out of him. Maybe too much? Who knows. With that said, this site's fine contributors have invited me to close out Quevedo Day by succeeding where Ruben failed: I, KL Snow of Brew Crew Ball, must finish The Running of the Quevedo.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's the condensed version. Ruben Quevedo, a purported professional athlete, reported to spring training in 2002 so out of shape he couldn't finish a mile run. It was one of the defining moments of Quevedo's brief and embarrassing stint as a Brewer.

Now, I'm not a professional athlete. In fact, I'm relatively well known as a foodie (read: glutton) in my own right. So, if ever there was a candidate to redeem mock Ruben by being able to do what he could not, it's me, right?

(This run was initially scheduled for yesterday, but I woke up and it was windy and raining. As I looked outside and considered the enormity of the task before me, I thought to myself, "No tribute to Ruben Quevedo would be complete without a little laziness and procrastination, right?" So you're getting it today.)

Let's start with something you may not have known: A mile is really, really far and you shouldn't attempt to run one without taking the proper precautions. So I set out this morning properly equipped with my survival provisions, and a photographer to document the occasion and/or drag me home if I failed in this mission. I gave myself ten minutes to complete this task: Any more, and I'd be missing the Price is Right. Nothing is worth that.

Time: 0:00. Distance: 0.0 miles

Here you can see me, as I stood at the starting line. Note the Sports Bubbler Fleece: I wore it while cooking breakfast yesterday, and it still smells like bacon. Double bonus.

Time: 1:20. Distance: Two houses

Unfortunately, I got off to a bit of a rough start. About this time, breakfast was wearing off and, fearing malnutrition, I decided to stop and dig into the Survival Cooler for a Pumpkin Chocolate Chip cookie. And another. Finally, I was on my way.

Time: 4:12. Distance: 0.26 miles

I made it down the block and a few steps into the park before deciding it was time for another break, and another dip into the Survival Cooler...this time for a Bavarian Cream filled donut.

Time: 6:24. Distance: .46 miles

How can anyone run with this unending hunger? With achy legs and no park bench in sight, I was forced to sprawl on the sidewalk to enjoy this caramel apple. The urge to give up struck me for the first time here, but with Ruben's honor at stake, I knew I had to carry on...

Time: 8:17. Distance: .7 miles

This is it. I'm out of provisions, out of energy, out of hope. Clearly, I can go no farther. Alas, I gave it my best shot but the mile was too much for me this year. I'll just lay here and rest, while I listen to the sounds of...wait...I know that sound...


Why must you drive so fast?

Time: 9:57. Distance: 1.00 miles

Success! Somehow, it doesn't feel like success. I remember hearing a car drive up, and someone say something about "diabetic shock." After that, I don't remember much at all...

(Thanks to Mrs. Snow for taking the photos, despite the fact that she enjoyed it about as much as Quevedo enjoys exercise, and reminded me at every stop, "Our neighbors are going to think we're crazy!")


Master Reid said...

LMAO!!! Good stuff. I remember I ran a mile once.... once.

Rubie Q said...

KL Snow, with authority.

Also: goddamn do those cookies look good.

Devil's Threesome said...

I have never timed myself in the mile, though I have run 1+ miles on a couple occasions - damn 20 minute run in junior high and high school.

Rubes - this Kraut will take the Bavarian cream.

FPMKE said...

High School gym class... once and never again.

Rubie Q said...

You would eat the Bavarian, lard ass.

Not you, KL. You were running (sort of). You earned that donut.

Devil's Threesome said...

I prefer the custard filled, but will settle for the Bavarian cream when I'm in a pinch. That's sure better than Chex Mix Bold, you bitch. I'm sure you like Alpine Rush Gatorade or whatever the fuck you call it.

Rubie Q said...

Bold PARTY, you jackass. Bold PARTY.

Two, I'm partial to the lemon-lime G2. Is that too avant garde for you, you backwoods hick?

KL Snow said...

...I didn't actually run all the way...

Devil's Threesome said...

Ooooh, Bold Party - that sounds like a crazy-ass time you sucker for marketing. I'm sure you're buying MaidenForm now that you're watching Mad Men. Baah, little lamb, baah.

I'm partial to lemon-lime as well. Just like our birth certificate-less president says: We've found common ground.

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

Great job.

I went through a running phase. I was depressed and that didn't help.

FPMKE said...

My bad Rubie, there was a link for the recipe. I'm slim so I can't use the Splenda; I need real sugar.