For those of you who don't know the story, here's the condensed version. Ruben Quevedo, a purported professional athlete, reported to spring training in 2002 so out of shape he couldn't finish a mile run. It was one of the defining moments of Quevedo's brief and embarrassing stint as a Brewer.
Now, I'm not a professional athlete. In fact, I'm relatively well known as a foodie (read: glutton) in my own right. So, if ever there was a candidate to
(This run was initially scheduled for yesterday, but I woke up and it was windy and raining. As I looked outside and considered the enormity of the task before me, I thought to myself, "No tribute to Ruben Quevedo would be complete without a little laziness and procrastination, right?" So you're getting it today.)
Let's start with something you may not have known: A mile is really, really far and you shouldn't attempt to run one without taking the proper precautions. So I set out this morning properly equipped with my survival provisions, and a photographer to document the occasion and/or drag me home if I failed in this mission. I gave myself ten minutes to complete this task: Any more, and I'd be missing the Price is Right. Nothing is worth that.
Time: 0:00. Distance: 0.0 miles
Here you can see me, as I stood at the starting line. Note the Sports Bubbler Fleece: I wore it while cooking breakfast yesterday, and it still smells like bacon. Double bonus.
Time: 1:20. Distance: Two houses
Unfortunately, I got off to a bit of a rough start. About this time, breakfast was wearing off and, fearing malnutrition, I decided to stop and dig into the Survival Cooler for a Pumpkin Chocolate Chip cookie. And another. Finally, I was on my way.
Time: 4:12. Distance: 0.26 miles
I made it down the block and a few steps into the park before deciding it was time for another break, and another dip into the Survival Cooler...this time for a Bavarian Cream filled donut.
Time: 6:24. Distance: .46 miles
How can anyone run with this unending hunger? With achy legs and no park bench in sight, I was forced to sprawl on the sidewalk to enjoy this caramel apple. The urge to give up struck me for the first time here, but with Ruben's honor at stake, I knew I had to carry on...
Time: 8:17. Distance: .7 miles
This is it. I'm out of provisions, out of energy, out of hope. Clearly, I can go no farther. Alas, I gave it my best shot but the mile was too much for me this year. I'll just lay here and rest, while I listen to the sounds of...wait...I know that sound...
It's THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!
Why must you drive so fast?
Time: 9:57. Distance: 1.00 miles
Success! Somehow, it doesn't feel like success. I remember hearing a car drive up, and someone say something about "diabetic shock." After that, I don't remember much at all...
(Thanks to Mrs. Snow for taking the photos, despite the fact that she enjoyed it about as much as Quevedo enjoys exercise, and reminded me at every stop, "Our neighbors are going to think we're crazy!")