Tuesday, October 6, 2009

D3's Top 25 Picks of the Week for Gambling Degenerates Too Lazy to Do Their Own Research

21 Nebraska (-3) @ 24 MissouriTake it away George Lucas and your feathered pen of repetitive movie dialogue. Nerfherders!

As discussed in The Red Recap, I don’t have much confidence in the Huskers here. Missouri is an easy pick.

1 Florida (-7) @ 4 LSU
The whole world is waiting, just waiting, to see if Tim Tebow plays on Saturday. Look for Urban Meyer to maximize the drama to A) keep LSU guessing and B) further cement Tim Tebow’s legacy. LSU has looked very ordinary this year, particularly on offense. LSU is tough in night home games, but Florida has enough to come away with the win. I can’t believe the spread is 7, but I still believe the Gators will get it done.

Colorado @ 2 Texas (-32)
Colorado is just not good. Texas will crush them in preparation for the Red River Shootout next week.

3 Alabama (-6.5) @ 20 Ole Miss
I think Alabama is a machine this year. The main question is when Greg McElroy will screw up. He handled VT and @ Kentucky well. Vaught-Hemingway isn’t the most imposing edifice in college football, but maybe he’ll be distracted by the coeds. Check out Julio Jones in this game. He’s been hurt/quiet this year and has basically ceded his “Badass SEC Wide Receiver” mantle to AJ Green. The only thing that worries me about this game is the “giggity” factor as well documented by EDSBS.
Nothing like this being the #1 Google image of you.
Boston College @ 5 Virginia Tech (-13.5)
Iowa East faces off against a resilient BC team. You know the drill, expect multiple safeties, countless field goals and BEAMERBALL! Some how, some way Tyrod Taylor passed for 300 yards last week, alas, that was against Duke. Expect another Coors Field slugfest, 19-11.

Wisconsin @ 9 Ohio St (-16)
I reviewed this game in depth in The Red Report. I really like tOSU this year, but UW will keep it close, but not as close as the score would indicate. Pryor will take off the Tressel shackles for a play or two to make the difference. This will be entertaining – I would tune in if I could.

10 TCU (-10.5) @ Air Force
TCU will cough one up this year, maybe it's this week. Their offense is too inconsistent for me to truly believe they are the #10 team in the nation.

Florida A&M @ 11 Miami
Unlike the panty-waists below, Miami deserves this lay-up after facing FSU-GT-VT-OU in the first four weeks. FAMU is D1-AA (your uniforms embarrass Craig Sager), so there’s no line for this game.

Michigan @ 12 Iowa (-8)
A beleaguered nation cries out in despair during these tough economic times for something, anything to take their minds off their insipid lives, creeping debt, forthcoming downsizing and the looming specter of nationalized healthcare. ABC delivers with…Depression era football…in primetime! Who’s up for some punts on 3rd downs? Anyone else titillated by safeties and jumbled scores? “Me!” you say? Then this game, sponsored by Brylcreem and Shurfine Cream of Celery Soup, is just your ticket.
I can just hear Musburger now, “You’re looking live at Kinnick Stadium, where, where, the grass is 8 inches high, the field is poorly lit and, and (beer can opens, Keystone Light, no doubt), fuck it Kirk, no one is watching, why the fuck aren’t we in Baton Rouge? I thought we had enough of Iowa after the Penn St game. How do you stay awake during these games?”
“Blow jobs, Brent, blow jobs. In fact, I’m getting one now, actually there are two girls down here; I just count that as one BJ, though. Could you pass the bronzer? Easy with the teeth there Mandy.”
Iowa wins 12-3 on the strength of 6 safeties. UM gets a safety and a point for punting the ball through the uprights like in the CFL. DON’T WATCH THIS GAME, FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN, DON’T WATCH THIS GAME!!!

13 Oregon (-6.5) @ UCLA
UO QB Jeremiah Masoli is questionable. UCLA is already down to their #2 QB, 2008’s Jonathan Crompton, Kevin Craft. Oregon gets the wins and steams toward their Halloween showdown with USC.

Eastern Illinois @ 14 Penn St
Penn St completes their arduous non-conference slate by facing the fearsome Eastern Illinois I-Don’t-Even-Know-What-the-Fuck-They’re-Calleds. I don’t know how PSU has survived the previous gauntlet of Akron-Temple-Syracuse in the non-conference, but they were obviously too beat up from that to show up against Iowa. This game is on ESPN Classic – Army must be pissed at PSU for taking their comfy TV home for a week. Don’t piss off Army. Back to the game, Eastern is D1-AA, so there’s no line.

15 Oklahoma St (-8) @ Texas A&M
As I predicted before the season, OSU is overrated, but after watching A&M yip the game away last week against Arkansas, I find it tough to side with them. When in doubt, pick against Mike Sherman.

Iowa St @ 16 Kansas (-20)
KU’s running back, Jake Sharp, may be back this week. Regardless, Iowa St is not good and KU has an explosive offense, led by Todd Reesing. KU will put up more gaudy numbers, but they haven’t played a legit team yet. Judgment day is coming, Jayhawks.

17 Auburn (-2.5) @ Arkansas
Outside of the ownage in Tuscaloosa, Arkansas has been unstoppable offensively. Surprisingly, so has Auburn. This one is too close to call, so I’ll side with the better QB and the homefield advantage.

18 BYU (-17) @ UNLV
UNLV gave up 170 yards rushing last week – to THREE different players against a winless Nevada team. They also have Oregon St a close game in Vegas. The Mormons won’t be distracted by the Vegas fun and will get a big win.

Baylor @ 19 Oklahoma (-25.5)
I hope Baylor enjoyed their 3 weeks of relative prosperity. Now, Baylor’s football Jeebus has a torn-up knee and Baylor has no prayer of a winning season. Either Landry Jones or Sam Bradford will rip up the Bears and cover. Don’t mess with angry Sooners.

22 Georgia Tech @ Florida St (-2.5)
Really? FSU is 2-3, the trustees are calling for Bowden’s head and they are still a favorite against a ranked Georgia Tech team? I guess FSU did hang 50 on BYU in Provo. I can’t figure these guys out, but with all the negativity surrounding the program this week, I have to go with the unhappiest guy in football, Paul Johnson.

Kentucky @ 25 South Carolina (-9.5)I flipped a coin on this one. You can never figure out South Carolina, particularly under Spurrier. I guess Stephen Garcia will have a big game.


Rubie Q said...

Shurfine Cream of Celery Soup sounds gooooood.

EMoney said...

Hectic week so this is going to be a down and dirty quick pick 'em.....I personally wouldn't have it any other way, but I suppose I should reserve judgement until after I see the results. Lets get it on!

1. Florida (-7)
2. Texas (-32) - still love the chaps!
3. Bama (-6.5)
4. Va Tech (-13.5), just to be different
5. UW (+16)
6. TCU (-10.5)
7. Michigan (+8), they're not good, but they don't lay down for anybody
8. Oregon (-6.5)
9. OK St. (-8)
10. Kansas (-20)
11. Ar Kansas (-2.5)
12. BYU (-17) - look for a late power outage to f*ck with the line
13. OU (-25.5)
14. Ga Tech (+2.5)
15. Cocks (-9.5)

D3 - didn't compare the picks yet, but I think agreed on most of them. You know what that means.....we are going to get our asses handed to us. Hopefully I can give a more entertaining analysis of each game next week.