By Bob Schlitz of the Capitol Manifesto Staff
Yesterday, Vander Blue, the precocious but preposterously naïve Madison Memorial senior guard, made the biggest decision of his young (and, to this point, incredibly immature) life: declining the overtures of UCLA, Arizona, and, most importantly, UW-Madison, Blue opted for the path of least resistance and selected perennial also-ran Marquette as his next team.
But lost in the backslapping and high fives amongst the jubilant Marquette Community College faithful is an important note: Blue wasn't welcome at Madison, even if he decided to re-commit to the Badgers.
A source close to the Madison program confirmed Sunday night what many have long suspected: Blue isn't even an American citizen. And he's got a third nipple. And he's a Michael Bolton fan.
"Listen, I don't want to throw the kid under the bus; he's got the right to make up his own mind about where he wants to go to school for the next four years – assuming he lasts that long," said the source, speaking on condition that I do everything in my power to trash the seventeen-year-old. "But, let's face facts: the guy is clearly ex-Taliban, or, at the very least, ex-KGB. I mean, look at his name: 'Vander Blue'? Who has a name like that? That's unquestionably the choice of someone who lived in Afghanistan – or Soviet Russia – for 15 years, came to America, and threw out the first thing that came to mind when he went through customs: 'What's your name, young man?' 'Uhhh … Blue. Yeah, Blue. Vander. Vander Blue.'
"The other stuff, really, was just icing on the cake after that," said the source, who is not Bo Ryan. (Really, it's not. Seriously, stop laughing. It's really not Bo.) "The third nipple – I mean, who's going to want to shower with the guy when he's got a fucking supernumerary nipple on his chest? It's disgusting, and it might be contagious. That's the really scary thing; we just don't know enough about these rogue nipples. And I'll be damned if I'm going to coach a team of Trip Nips. It's unconscionable. I'm just relieved we didn't let Vander work out with the team last year. Can you imagine the perfect, lily-white body of my Aryan warrior, Herr Krabbenhoft, being defiled by a third nipple? I threw up in my mouth just thinking about it.
"And the Bolton shit was just weird. He shows up for a workout, and he's listening to his iPod – and, gee, where'd he get the money for that? – and I say, 'Hey, V-Blue, what're you rockin'?' And the kid looks at me – no shit – and says: 'Just a little 'Time Love and Tenderness.'' And he must've seen my jaw hit the floor, because he said: 'Nah, I'm just foolin'. That song's overplayed. I like 'Go the Distance.''
"You have to ask yourself," the source continued, after finishing his meal of small rodents and kitten blood (which is definitely NOT Bo Ryan's favorite meal, so don't even ask), "is that the type of person you'd want in your program? Sure, he's a tremendous talent, and, sure, he'd fill a gaping hole in our line-up, and, sure, the only local players we've been able to recruit in the last five years are stiff-as-a-board, athletically-challenged white guys, but the negatives so clearly outweigh the positives that it wasn't even close. I've just got to figure out how to get Bohannon an extra year of eligibility. That's my type of player – if I was coaching the team, which I'm definitely not. I am NOT Bo Ryan."