Monday, October 19, 2009

Vander Blew It.

By Bob Schlitz of the Capitol Manifesto Staff

Yesterday, Vander Blue, the precocious but preposterously naïve Madison Memorial senior guard, made the biggest decision of his young (and, to this point, incredibly immature) life: declining the overtures of UCLA, Arizona, and, most importantly, UW-Madison, Blue opted for the path of least resistance and selected perennial also-ran Marquette as his next team.

But lost in the backslapping and high fives amongst the jubilant Marquette Community College faithful is an important note: Blue wasn't welcome at Madison, even if he decided to re-commit to the Badgers.

A source close to the Madison program confirmed Sunday night what many have long suspected: Blue isn't even an American citizen. And he's got a third nipple. And he's a Michael Bolton fan.

"Listen, I don't want to throw the kid under the bus; he's got the right to make up his own mind about where he wants to go to school for the next four years – assuming he lasts that long," said the source, speaking on condition that I do everything in my power to trash the seventeen-year-old. "But, let's face facts: the guy is clearly ex-Taliban, or, at the very least, ex-KGB. I mean, look at his name: 'Vander Blue'? Who has a name like that? That's unquestionably the choice of someone who lived in Afghanistan – or Soviet Russia – for 15 years, came to America, and threw out the first thing that came to mind when he went through customs: 'What's your name, young man?' 'Uhhh … Blue. Yeah, Blue. Vander. Vander Blue.'

"The other stuff, really, was just icing on the cake after that," said the source, who is not Bo Ryan. (Really, it's not. Seriously, stop laughing. It's really not Bo.) "The third nipple – I mean, who's going to want to shower with the guy when he's got a fucking supernumerary nipple on his chest? It's disgusting, and it might be contagious. That's the really scary thing; we just don't know enough about these rogue nipples. And I'll be damned if I'm going to coach a team of Trip Nips. It's unconscionable. I'm just relieved we didn't let Vander work out with the team last year. Can you imagine the perfect, lily-white body of my Aryan warrior, Herr Krabbenhoft, being defiled by a third nipple? I threw up in my mouth just thinking about it.

"And the Bolton shit was just weird. He shows up for a workout, and he's listening to his iPod – and, gee, where'd he get the money for that? – and I say, 'Hey, V-Blue, what're you rockin'?' And the kid looks at me – no shit – and says: 'Just a little 'Time Love and Tenderness.'' And he must've seen my jaw hit the floor, because he said: 'Nah, I'm just foolin'. That song's overplayed. I like 'Go the Distance.''

"You have to ask yourself," the source continued, after finishing his meal of small rodents and kitten blood (which is definitely NOT Bo Ryan's favorite meal, so don't even ask), "is that the type of person you'd want in your program? Sure, he's a tremendous talent, and, sure, he'd fill a gaping hole in our line-up, and, sure, the only local players we've been able to recruit in the last five years are stiff-as-a-board, athletically-challenged white guys, but the negatives so clearly outweigh the positives that it wasn't even close. I've just got to figure out how to get Bohannon an extra year of eligibility. That's my type of player – if I was coaching the team, which I'm definitely not. I am NOT Bo Ryan."


Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

i'm assuming the manifesto is the student newspaper? or is this their version of the Onion. very class bucky student very classy...i spent a little time just reading the crap that they are saying and its really starting to piss me off. couple of points:

-salesmanship- you god damn right Buzz is a salesman...all coaches are salesman. its what recruiting is...trying to sell your school. anybody who says Bo isn't a salesman is a freakin' idiot. on a side note, I really am digging buzz's philosphy about making his players the center of the program and his goal of making them better 1. people, 2. students, and 3. atheletes. as a parent you have to love handing you son off to a guy with those kind of priorities.

-academics - sure UW is a fine institution but MU aint no walk in the park either. and to say that going to MU is an cake walk for student athletes is probably the stupidest thing anyone can ever say. I'm sure bucky has 10 times as many student support staff members to help all those football players get thru school. and let's be real here athletes probably don't pick schools based on academics...some might but the vast majority i believe feel as though academics are a second thought when it comes to recruiting.

Softball's Tony Gwynn said...

I'd like to add one more:

-Swing vs. Buzz's offense: devin harris is a prime example that a guard can thrive in the swing offense, but the type of guard oriented fast paced offense that buzz is going to play is a hell of a lot more appealing to me and I'm sure its a big draw for a guard. and for the critics that ask exactly what type of offense we run, Buzz did exactly what he needed to do last year. He adopted an offense that made the most sense for the personel we had. we had to good of a team before the season started to do a 180 degree change in our offense. hopefully now that the big 3 are gone we can establish exactly what Buzz's offense is going to be for years to come.

EMoney said...

Simmer down STG - the battle for Vander is over.....and we won, so enjoy it. We are all well aware of the enemies' (badger fans) tactics when they lose out on a player to Marquette. Here's a list of plays that the offensive coordinator usually turns to in situation such as this.

1. Academically, MU is far inferior to UW, so player 'x' probably couldn't get in to UW anyways.
2. Player 'x' won't fit in to Bo's system of team play. Player 'x' simply wants to play 'And1' style basketball and is only concerned about his own stats, something that Bo won't put up with.
3. Coach 'x' (you can use Crean or Williams for x here) at Marquette is a snake for a salesman. Always using dirty tactics like promising a start spot as a freshman. Bo would never make a promise such as this to a 17 year old boy.
4. Do you have a football program? Well we do!

It's all actually really predictable and has already started even though his committment is less than 24hrs old. Funny thing is that the reason that he may have chosen MU over UW is because of the way that UW's fanbase treated him while this whole thing was going on. They were their own worst enemy in this case. Hilarious, and it worked to our benefit.

Charlie Weis' said...

as a graduate from both MU and UW - I can say that UW is a slight step above MU - at least in the business school. That said - probably the easiest major at MU is communications (no offense to anyone who is a comm major) UW you can major in Leisure Studies or Leadership/Motivation, etc. Saying that Vander went to MU because it's easier is a f-cking joke. From a student athlete's point of view - the academic workload is probably the same.

EMoney said...

Regardless of who has a better engineering program/business school/law school/etc., there isn't such a huge dropoff between the schools as a whole that kids with a C avg. in high school will get into one but not the other. I don't care what magazine ranks which school higher, that's just ridiculous. Further, I don't have any hard evidence to back this up, but I would contend that all major D1 schools that have "successful" sporting programs (in football, basketball, or baseball) have lower admissions standards for the athletes than the average student. And as pointed out by Gunt above, all of these quality academic schools have majors that don't exactly require a high iq or insane amounts of study time. So it's easy to push them through the system without having to do illegal activities such as paying someone else do their homework and take their tests.

All of this talk makes me think of 'Blue Chips'. What a great movie!

Master Reid said...

Once again Rubie's fake news leaves me laughing to the point of tears, while my co-workers look at me and wonder what my fucking deal is.

Rubie Q said...

"What I'm askin' is, if I quit the team, does my mom get to keep her house?"

Anfernee Hardaway at the peak of his acting career.

Devil's Threesome said...

If anyone is looking for a good laugh, go check out the Badger basketball board - absolute lunacy over there.

EMoney said...

Ahh, D3, welcome to the celebration. And you're right about the lunacy, but I would expect nothing less from those maniacs. Do you have a link to a board that is particularly entertaining?

"I was thinking 50,000. Cash. You can just stick it in one of those duffel bags you have."

Devil's Threesome said...

Page 3 of the following 9-page thread is particularly funny. Time permitting - I will post a "Greatest Hits" collection of top comments later tonight. The thing that shocks me is that I've never had any issues at the Kohl Center - very classy fans, but they have some doozy trolls online.

Rubie Q said...

I can sum up the comments thusly:

(1) Bo did not "lose" a recruit, because Bo is incapable of losing a recruit; the recruit was stolen by Buzz and his nefarious henchmen.

(2) Madison is the Harvard of the Midwest, and Vander knew he couldn't hack it there. He'll be much more comfortable at the Marquette Community College.

(3) Sorry, I couldn't get to three. My eyes started burning after three pages of nonsense.

EMoney said...

I hope we all realize that this whole situation has really brought to light what we already knew to be true, that much of their fan-base is insanely delusional. So much so that it drove off one of the school's best recruits. It's becoming well known to the general public and it's not doing them any favors, yet they continue to make asinine comments in their public forums. Whatever. I'm enjoying the hell out of this self-implosion.

I'd also like to add that I'd be willing to bet other recruits are well aware of how things shook up during this whole saga. That being said, this may influence the thought processes of other kids, esp. those at Madison-Memorial where Jeronne and now Vander will surely have some recruiting input.

Rubie Q said...

Don't forget Wes, $.


EMoney said...

Don't worry, I wasn't forgetting Wes, but he might be a little out of touch with the guys that are Memorial right now. Plus I think he's more busy now with the whole NBA thing. Vander is obviously still there, and Jeronne is freshly removed so they know the current players. I'm blanking on his name right now, but I'm pretty sure a player at Memorial for the class of '11 is looking like another quality player.....therefore Vander and Jeronne may have some pull if necessary.

EMoney said...

Had to post this from the BadgerForum:

"Title: Post Blue Up and Put His A$$ on the Floor.

OK, I don't rant too often, but this one really pisses me off. I am really hoping that UW's players and coaches don't forget this day. Everytime we ply Marq., I hope the UW guards post him up, back him down, and score over him at will. Also, anytime Blue steps into the paint I want someone to put him flat on his back. He lacks integrity and class . . . and he should be treated as such."


You stay classy San Diego (err Madison)

Master Reid said...

This is exactly why I was begging the Almighty to allow this to happen. There is nothing else on earth that can inject this kind of anger into a rivalry. Let's talk to those "We don't really hate Marquette" Badger fans now and see what they have to say.

Rubie Q said...

Go on not caring about us. We'll go on swiping players in your backyard.