* - Quevedo Day doesn't count. Yes, it's a holiday which originated in America, but it has yet to be accepted by most states.
And how does one become a Quevedotarian, you ask? Are you really that dumb**? One starts by gathering all the food one can find. This is hungry work, so feel free to grab a snack on the way. Then, in a display that would make the producers of Man vs Food shudder, you're going to eat it all. But this is Thanksgiving, so you have to kick it up a notch***, covering all of this food with one of the three major fat groups: gravy, butter, and whipped cream. If you'd like to add a touch of irony, wash it down with a diet soda or twelve.
** - It's a rhetorical question, dumbass.
*** - Bam!
Since you're sitting at home reading a blog at night on a holiday weekend, odds are you're already a prime candidate for Quevedotarianism****. But, on the off chance you're not already an expert glutton, here's a quick Quevedotarian-approved Thanksgiving menu:
**** - Did you see what I did there? I implied you might be fat and lazy*****.
***** - Really, I'm just using the asterisks at this point as a demonstration for Rubie, who could use them in his work, but instead abuses the hell out of parentheses. Seriously. Have you seen him use a set of parentheses inside another set of parentheses******?
****** - Yes, this has actually happened.
- Turduckens are for pansies. A true Quevedotarian opts for the Oinking Turducken - a boneless duck, inside a boneless chicken, inside a turkey, wrapped in bacon. For added calories, serve with mashed potatoes and bacon grease gravy. Skip the cranberry sauce and any vegetables that may have snuck on the table*******.
- At least three side dishes you developed a recipe for after seeing it on ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com. I'll recommend the Smortuary, the Toaster Orgy, and to add some extra bacon, The Irish Hog.
- And finally, finish it off with Pumpkin Pie ala Bazookie. The whole thing. Maybe two.
******* - Seriously, we're working on a masterpiece here, and you were going to screw it up with something healthy? You really are an idiot.
This is actually a light Thanksgiving. You should be done with this by the time the Packers are done finding a way to lose to the Lions tomorrow. Thankfully, most pizza places are still open tomorrow, for when you're hungry again around 4:30. Until then, feel free to munch on some Bold Party Chex Mix********.
******** - Rubie, I still can't believe you called this your favorite junk food. Really? You couldn't do better than that?