Wednesday, November 25, 2009

This Thanksgiving, embrace your inner Quevedotarian

Is there an American holiday* more dedicated to gluttony than Thanksgiving? I don't think there is. If ever there was an opportunity to become a Quevedotarian for a day, it's Thanksgiving.

* - Quevedo Day doesn't count. Yes, it's a holiday which originated in America, but it has yet to be accepted by most states.

And how does one become a Quevedotarian, you ask? Are you really that dumb**? One starts by gathering all the food one can find. This is hungry work, so feel free to grab a snack on the way. Then, in a display that would make the producers of Man vs Food shudder, you're going to eat it all. But this is Thanksgiving, so you have to kick it up a notch***, covering all of this food with one of the three major fat groups: gravy, butter, and whipped cream. If you'd like to add a touch of irony, wash it down with a diet soda or twelve.

** - It's a rhetorical question, dumbass.
*** - Bam!

Since you're sitting at home reading a blog at night on a holiday weekend, odds are you're already a prime candidate for Quevedotarianism****. But, on the off chance you're not already an expert glutton, here's a quick Quevedotarian-approved Thanksgiving menu:

**** - Did you see what I did there? I implied you might be fat and lazy*****.
***** - Really, I'm just using the asterisks at this point as a demonstration for Rubie, who could use them in his work, but instead abuses the hell out of parentheses. Seriously. Have you seen him use a set of parentheses inside another set of parentheses******?
****** - Yes, this has actually happened.

  • Turduckens are for pansies. A true Quevedotarian opts for the Oinking Turducken - a boneless duck, inside a boneless chicken, inside a turkey, wrapped in bacon. For added calories, serve with mashed potatoes and bacon grease gravy. Skip the cranberry sauce and any vegetables that may have snuck on the table*******.
  • At least three side dishes you developed a recipe for after seeing it on ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com. I'll recommend the Smortuary, the Toaster Orgy, and to add some extra bacon, The Irish Hog.
  • And finally, finish it off with Pumpkin Pie ala Bazookie. The whole thing. Maybe two.
******* - Seriously, we're working on a masterpiece here, and you were going to screw it up with something healthy? You really are an idiot.

This is actually a light Thanksgiving. You should be done with this by the time the Packers are done finding a way to lose to the Lions tomorrow. Thankfully, most pizza places are still open tomorrow, for when you're hungry again around 4:30. Until then, feel free to munch on some Bold Party Chex Mix********.

******** - Rubie, I still can't believe you called this your favorite junk food. Really? You couldn't do better than that?


3 comments:

Sheets' Va Jay Jay said...

Ha. Nicely done Snow.

May I substitute stuffing for mashed potatoes in the Oinking Turducken? I think that should up the calorie count on that thing a little bit.

Rubie Q said...

Motherfucker.

I open up the Buffet, see a post that's much too well-written for any of us to have penned it, and quickly deduce: "Hey, it's KL! Cool!"

Not cool.

You're on my turf now, bitch. My responses:

Re: the asterisks. Who the fuck are you, David Foster Wallace? At least my parenthetical remarks come within the flow of the sentence, and don't require the reader to bounce around the page (which damn near causes a seizure) (asshole).

Two, "diet soda" for a touch of irony? How about Miller Lite (or MGD 64, if that's how you roll)? More calories, support local industry, while still saying: "Hey, I'm not going overboard here. I need to watch my girlish figure."

Finally, re: the Chex Mix. (Before I get started: I want to note that I also listed cheese-filled pretzels as my junk food of choice.) My problem is that, when I start eating a bag of Bold Party, I am unable to put down the bag until the last Worcestershire-soaked breadstick nubbin is devoured. IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD. And it's gotta be at least 600 calories, with enough salt to pickle my kidneys. If that's not junk food, I don't want to live anymore.

In closing: I think I gained 5 pounds just reading this. Good show.

KL Snow said...

Y'know, I'm sad to admit I never considered the light beer option. As a non-beer drinker, I washed Thanksgiving dinner down with a hard cider.

I'm glad you managed to sneak some unnecessary parentheses into blasting me for using unnecessary asterisks.

Also, thanks for allowing me to play with comedy here. Hopefully I can provide occasional entertainment.