Saturday, May 30, 2009

Equal time...

I'm generally an eternal optimist.  I know that is an odd statement the way it is worded, but in the world of sports, it makes sense to a certain degree.  (Man, I feel like MikeHunt after typing that last sentence.)

I feel we need to give some props to Mr. Hart for his performance last night.  Now, I know that it was one good swing while he was pretty much not great at the plate last night, but that's all it takes.  Since I'm a teacher, I can get caught up in this positive reinforcement thing.  You know, give kids gold stars and pats on the back when they do one thing right after they screwed up the past 99.  I find that it does tend to work and maybe they will only screw up the next 98 instead of 99.  I also feel that I am in the minority on the blog.

So, Corey Hart, congrats on a nice game last night.  You really put good wood on that ball and I know you can do it again.  We should take this positive experience and carry it with you for today's game.

Best wishes.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Welcome Back To Earth, Jon Hart.

"This isn't the Corey Hart people saw at the end of last season," writes boy-wonder Anthony Witrado in this morning's Journal Sentinel.

Really? It sure looks an awful lot like him.

Jon Hart's stats in May 2009: .205/.255/and a Kendall-esque .295 slugging; 1 homer, 10 driven in, 1 stolen base, 6 walks, 25 strike outs.

Jon Hart's stats in September 2008: .173/.192/and an even-Kendall-would-be-embarassed-by-this .245 slugging; no homers, 10 driven in, 1 stolen base, 3 walks, 21 strike outs.

I dunno ... if this dude in May 2009 isn't Jon Hart, he's doing a pretty damn good impression.

And, in honor of K-Mach sitting Jon Hart out of yesterday's game, we present today's brain teaser: If a person has an IQ of 75, can you really give him a day off as a "mental health" break?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Chronic(what)cles of Las Vegas.

Okay... so I know that whole what happens in Vegas thing, but some stuff needs to be shared.  None of this will really incriminate anyone... well not too bad.

- Having a pool-side cabana is the shit.  This was the best decision ever.  Mad, dope, fat ass props to Kenosha Mustache for coming up with this.  Not only did we have hot (like hot without needing to be drunk, hot) cabana servers, but our first cabana was in a prime spot.  It couldn't have been better.  Oh wait, it could have been better if Moongoose didn't drink a bottle of $300 vodka, puke all over the cabana, and then have to be brought out in a wheelchair.  We then had to switch cabanas, but it made for a great story... and great pictures later.  That is why he is being de-clothed by two skanks.  We then redid the whole cabana experience on Saturday.  We drank a lot again.  It was awesome.  When in Vegas, get a cabana.

- We walked to a place called Fat Burger on Saturday night.  It was a long walk, it was hot out, and we were dressed in club wear.  The burger wasn't bad, but the walk back provided the highlight.  Some guy asked if we wanted to see the donkey show.  Yes!  I now feel like I'm in Vegas.  I actually stopped in my tracks and looked at him and said, "Donkey show?"  He then muttered something about donkey show and we kept walking.  I actually thought about it for a second.

- There are lots of hot chicks in Vegas.  Wow.  It's hard to tell the Hos from the "real" Hos.

- On Sunday night some promoter chick tried to get us to go to a party where they would provide transportation and some drinks.  It was shady, but when in Rome...  Reid said it best when he said that it was either going to end with a gun in his face or he would be propositioned to buy a time share.  At this point I wish we would have gone.  That could have been fun.

- The strip is long.  I walked it when I woke up at a ridiculously early time on Saturday.

- I don't remember eating dinner on Friday night.  I kind of do.  I think I had chicken.  This goes back to the cabana being awesome.

- It is apparently okay to drink something with dry ice in it.  Who knew?

- You have to go to Vegas to meet girls from Wisconsin... or at least I do.

- When you hate to fly and you decide to finally get up to pee (or take a dump) the fasten seat belts sign will come on because you are about to get rocked by some turbulence.  Dammit!

- Bet on the field for a NASCAR race.

- Bet on Kobe Bryant.

- Don't bet on Lebron James.

- Twins fans are still douchebags when they are in Vegas.  More so actually (sorry Kirby).

- It is really funny to watch Cubs fans realize their team sucks once they land and they check the score.


I know there are more, but some of them are bad, some incriminating, and some I just can't remember or they sucked.

Feel free to add more in the comments.

The Bucks and The Luxury Tax

So according to jsonline today, your Milwaukee Bucks are up against the luxury tax this year. No big surprise we've been hearing this for a few months now. As I contemplated that (as best I could, given that I'm only operating at about 11% brain capacity) I started wondering: Who the hell are the Bucks paying all this money to? I did a little research and found some interesting info. Three things really struck me:

1) Michael Redd still has a player option after next season!??!?! For $18.3 million no less. Ugh. I've got nothing against Redd. He's a great guy and a pretty good player, but the Bucks will never be better than an 6-8 seed with him as the #1 guy.

2) They owe over $16 million to Ridnour, Gadzuric, and Charlie Bell. Yikes. We have to let an exciting young player (Sessions) and a serviceable/potentially dangerous 4 man (Villanueva) walk to pay these clowns? Not to mention that there is no listing for Mbah-Moute's salary next year. You'd hope that they intend to pay him... Right? Right?????

3) The Bucks cannot afford to fuck up this draft. They have to find an impact player, that can contribute right away. Actually, contributing may not even be enough, he may have to be a star right away in order to help this team. Another lottery pick that rides the pine all year and does absolutely nothing to help the team would be disastrous. And speaking of which: Joe Alexander, if you'd like to at least create the illusion of production this year that'd be great.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I love this...

Will the Cardinals ever quit whining?

http://www.stltoday.com/blogzone/bird-land/bird-land/2009/05/dgs-1010-those-brash-untucking-brewers/

PS-Its also worth watching the video at the end of the article...just another reason why the Big East is a million times better than the Big Teneleven.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Vegas...

This should about sum it up...



More details to cum... I mean come later.

Enjoy.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Its about time...


Thanks to Rubie for the updated photo.

HE GONE! HE GONE FOR REAL!

Brew Crew Ball says that Our Lord and Saviour, Tony Gwynn, Jr. -- he of the career OBP of .300, with matching career slugging of .300 -- has been traded to the Padres for Jody Gerut.

Slow clap, everyone. Slow clap. Without our constant bitching, this trade might never have happened.

Enjoy your new outfielder, Pads fans. You'll love him when he's not refusing to take walks or striking out at an alarming rate for an allegedly prototypical lead-off hitter. Which is to say: you won't love him very often.

Peavy to the White Sox?

Baseball weiner extrodinaire Ken Rosenthal is reporting that the Padres have a deal in place to send Jake Peavy to the White Sox. Now this is pending Jake's approval since he has a full no trade clause, and there is some doubt whether or not he'll sign off on the deal. But as far as I'm concerned... WOOOOHOOOO!!! Ship his ass to the AL! Even though the Brewers do play the White Sox this year, we don't play them for another 5 years or so. With everyone presuming that the Cubs would be the final destination for Peavy this year, I'm very pleased to hear that someone else has stepped up with an offer already. Gunt, you gotta be ecstatic to hear this. Just do us a favor and tell your boy Ozzie to stay down for a little while and not do anything to make Peavy realize that this might be a bad idea for him.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Rickie Had His Surgery Today...

Which officially puts to an inglorious end The (Abbreviated) Summer of Rickie Weeks and, once again, ushers us into ...



Get well soon, kid.

The NBA Draft... Who the Hell Cares??

So the NBA draft lottery took place last night. And the NBA consiracy theorists were dealt a heavy blow when the Clippers were allowed to win. If David Stern was really as all powerful as we like to think he is, then he would've seen that Clipper ball come out and put that fucker right back in and been like "oops, do over." Have fun with that Blake! Our beloved Milwaukee Bucks (pauses to wait for laughter to subside) moved nowhere and will be picking at number 10, where they will undoubtedly pick someone that will disappoint everybody. Early mock drafts have the Bucks taking Jrue Holiday. Which is great except for one problem: Who the FUCK is Jrue Holiday!?!? Now, because I'm a pretty hardcore college hoops nerd, I know who Jrue Holiday is. I'm fairly certain most of the readers of this fair blog are familiar with him as well. But the average potential Milwaukee Bucks fan, likely has no clue. For those that don't know he was a highly touted high school recruit that went to UCLA for a year where he averaged an eye popping 8.5 ppg and 3.7 apg. Most of this lack of production is attributed to him not meshing well with UCLA's offense and playing out of position. But he has tremendous upside potential and great wingspan. According Chad Ford on espn.com, "On upside he's a terrific pick. But he's yet to show he can live up to that upside on the court." Sounds like a top 10 pick to me!

Therein lies the problem with the NBA draft, and subsequently the NBA. The teams at the top of the draft are generally trying to find players to help rebuild their team both on the court and from a marketing/PR standpoint, but they're mainly doing it with these nameless, faceless kids that might be great in 2 or 3 years. How much interest do you think a Jrue Holiday or Demar Derozan are going to generate for an average hoops fan? My guess is very little, unless they start to realize some of that tremendous upside potential fairly early in the season. In a league that thrives on hyping up it's recognizable stars, it seems odd that the draft seems to contain fewer and fewer "name" stars, especially in the lottery. Anyone that actually stays in college long enough to become a recognizable star completely destroys his draft value. So this is the way it is, and as far as I can tell this is the way it's going to be. So I'll keep feigning interest in the NBA and muttering "who the fuck is that?" every time I see the starting lineups introduced in a game that I acutally watch. And I'll just keep hoping that some day the team that I acutally care about will hit on one of their tremendous upside potential reaches in the lottery.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Completely off topic...

I bring you, the Dude... probably NSFW

Today's Rhetorical Question:

If you're trying to talk people off the ledge, but nobody was considering jumping in the first place ... have you accomplished anything?

I dunno, but erstwhile 'SSP "personality" Cliff Saunders is doing his damndest to prevent widespread panic after Rickie's season-ending injury:

I know that Brewers fans might be a little nervous right now. Nervous because of the news that came late yesterday afternoon.

I'm going to make the following point once, and then I'm never going to talk about it again. I realize that Cliff used to be in radio -- he might claim he's still in radio, since he's apparently doing solo podcasts that no one listens to -- and, for that reason, he tends to write in sentence fragments, like: "Nervous because of the news that came late yesterday afternoon."

If you said that on the radio, nobody would bat an eye, because that's how modern sports talk radio operates: you talk in short, concise bursts and repeat key words ("nervous") so you don't confuse your listeners (and your possibly brain dead co-host).

That said: you're writing now, dude. Most of us can handle a full sentence. Give 'em to us.

Rickie Weeks, who was off to the best start of his big league career, is done for the season because of a wrist injury that he suffered Sunday against St. Louis. But, I'm here to tell you it isn't time to panic.


(Looks around at fellow Brewers fans) Sorry -- are you talking to us? The Crew just completed back-to-back sweeps. We just took three from the Cardinals on the road. We're alone in first place. Why, exactly, are we supposed to be panicking?

Yeah, it sucks to lose Rickie, but it's not like anybody was saying: "Man, we really need Rickie to come up big, or we're fucked" when the season started. We were pulling for the guy, for sure, 'cuz he's got assloads of potential, and he seems like a dude who works hard at his craft, and he doesn't bitch publicly about losing playing time and shit like that. So, yeah, we feel terrible for Rickie, going down when it looked like he was finally starting to get it. But I don't think anybody's climbing the metaphorical bridge just yet.

Yes, Weeks was one of the reasons the Brewers were playing as well as they were playing.

Dude, they're still playing well. 8-4 last night against a team trying to fend off a sweep (at home).

But he wasn't the reason. The Brewers were playing well because a lot of things were going right.

(Looks around again) Cliff: who the fuck are you talking to? WE KNOW THIS.

The starting pitching is racking up quality start after qulity start. The bullpen has been more than solid since Trevor Hoffman got back fron his oblique injury. And the Brewers have been getting timely hits from a number of different players.

Who was your target audience here? People who haven't seen the team play, at all, this season? Anyone who has watched/read about/talked to someone who attended more than two games in the last two weeks knows why they've been playing better.

Lookit: when somebody writes a piece that purports to be an opinion column, I'm looking for that person to do three things. First, don't clusterfuck the sum'bitch grammatically. (I know, grammar hounds are annoying. But if you don't obey basic grammatical conventions, it makes your stuff incredibly difficult to read.) Second, be right about your facts. (Seriously -- the Internet has been around for more than 15 years. You can find almost any piece of information in less than 10 seconds.) And, third, remember Jim Rome's advice to his callers: Have a take, don't suck.

In fact, I don't give a shit about the second part: suck all you want; it makes it a hell of a lot more fun for me. But at least have a take. Regurgitating information that everybody already knows isn't going to put asses in the seats (so to speak). So, give me an opinion -- something, anything. And I promise to be your best friend for a week.

Tuesday, May 19th '09

I thought I would switch away from the usual T Welter beatings and discussions of another one of those ho hum winning streaks by the Crew. That being said, here are a few interesting events occurring in the world of sports today:

1. I have to say that I have been extraordinarily entertained by the badger blogs of late with the whole Vander Blue situation. It is being reported that Mr. Blue (not Mr. Pink) will be holding a news conference this afternoon to address his future. IMO, if you're a Badger fan, this isn't good. Vander is one of the better recruits that Bo Ryan has ever gained a committment from and allegedly is on the verge of re-opening his recruitment, yet Bo "can't do no wrong" Ryan is busy coaching a USA amateur team and likely is no where near Madison, WI. Rumors have been swirling since he originally committed regarding Blue's continual interest in MU and how Jeronne Maymon has been trying to convince Vander of joining forces at Marquette. I for one don't see it happening. However, I would love it.....not just because MU would be adding more talent to the squad, but because of the anger that it would instill within the badger nation. How much animosity would be on display when Marquette plays at Madison in 3 years with Jeronne and Vander walking on the court together? That would be "Must See" television.

2. The NBA LOTTERY IS 2NIT!!!!! I know.....the NBA is quite lame.....especially as a Bucks fan. And since the Bucks are currently sitting in 11th, there is a slim to none chance that the Bucks move into the top 3. However, last year the Chicago Bulls jumped from 9th to No.1 overall so there is still hope. Regardless of where the Bucks fall, I hope that the white collars of the Milwaukee Bucks organization will start listening to me more often in regards to who they draft. The Draft is always a time for optimism as a fan (maybe not for a Bucks fan considering our horrendous Mike Sherman-like drafting failures over the years). So enjoy the lottery and pray for a miracle 'cuz the Bucks need one.

Read This

Transcript from Dick Enberg's commencement speech at MU on Sunday, courtesy of the Sports Bubbler. Good stuff. I could hear Enberg's voice as I was reading it.

http://newcounterculture.wordpress.com/2009/05/18/not-all-catholic-schools-invite-bad-commencement-speakers/

A Check-In With STL Media



Still obsessed about the untucked shirts. Multiple mentions in the game story. I motherfucking love that. Maybe your starters will throw strikes next week.

The Llama Ain't Interested In Your Damn Twitter.

Which, I'm sure, is a serious blow to the fine folks running that service.

Anyway, Toddles' latest effort is another MikeHunt-esque "I'm on deadline and I haven't got shit to talk about" gem, and it's not worth going through line by line. But I had to point out this line:

Suddenly, athletes have become philosophers on Twitter. They may not have the grammar of Plato, but boy I love such insight ...

As Dick Enberg said at Marquette's commencement on Sunday: "Oh my!"

The "grammar of Plato"? Maybe I missed this part of philosophy, but I don't think Plato received great acclaim for being able to execute a grammatically perfect sentence. He wasn't the B.C. equivalent of Dornan and Dawe.

More to the point, though: I continue to find it delightful that a guy who writes stuff like this: "also those two people would not reveal on how they were in the Favre inner-circle"; a guy who hasn't yet used a comma in any piece he has written; a guy who constantly uses "can not" instead of "cannot"; a guy who writes paragraphs that have the following structure: sentence fragment, sentence fragment, run-on sentence, sentence fragment; has the nuts to bust somebody else for poor grammar.

Seriously, man, have you read your own shit?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Sleeping Giant Update.

Jerseys? Untucked. Thrice.

Series? Swept.

Total runs scored by the Birds on Bats? Six.

Carlos Villanueva? Two innings pitched, 4 Ks, 1 hit, zero runs.

Mr. Poo Holes? Ten ABs, three singles, 0 RsBI, one run scored.

Sleeping giant? Um ... apparently still snoozin'.

Way to back up that Tommy Toughnuts talk, Big Al.

Extreme Jinx Fail:

On this guy right over here.



My bad, Rick. My bad, fellas. My bad, Brewers fans. I didn't realize that dubbing this The Summer of Rickie Weeks would inevitably cause The (Other) Wrist Tendon Sheath Debacle of '09.

I'll shut down the blog and be quiet now. Good night, all.

If You Don't Like It - Beat 'Em!

More whining from the St. Louis media on the Brewers lack of sportsmanship. Sour grapes indeed. The content and link are below. The guy has a pretty good column, not sure why he has to make himself look so petty with the untucked shirts comment.

http://www.stltoday.com/blogzone/bernies-extra-points/bernies-extra-points/bernies-5-minutes/2009/05/may-18-allergic-to-pujols/

* When new Milwaukee closer Trevor Hoffman — the classy future Hall of Famer — got the save Saturday at Busch Stadium, he just calmly off the mound and shook hands with his catcher. Didn’t untuck the shirt. At this point I really don’t care if the Milwaukee players untuck the shirts or not after victories. Really? Is that why you are writing about it, because you don't care? Brewers fans have rightfully pointed out that they’ve seen Pujols pause to admire his home runs, which can be interpreted as a sign of showing up an opponent. Um, it is showing up an opponent. But I admire the old-school guys like Hoffman who just get the job done and walk off. The old-school guys are the kind who just hand the football to the official after scoring a TD, because they act like they’ve been in the end zone before and they are sure they’ll get there again, so it’s no big deal when they score.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Oh, Anthony.

You're better than this. (Actually, you're probably not better than this.)

The stamp was emphatic and clear.

And it read: This is certification that the Milwaukee Brewers, at completion of their latest home stand and 35 games total, are one of major-league baseball's best teams.

That was notarized by the way the Brewers put the lid on their six-game home stand Thursday afternoon at Miller Park.

First of all, I don't think you know what "notarized" means, 'cuz if you did, you'd know that it's not the right word for that last sentence.

More importantly: can we go easy on the "one of the best teams in baseball" stuff? (And, yes, I know Ant'ny qualified that statement (somewhat) with the "at completion of their latest home stand and 35 games total" line, but, really -- who gives a shit about being one of the best teams in baseball through 35 games? Fuck, the Packers were one of the best teams in football through two games, and you saw how that ended. And a couple weeks ago, the Marlins were 11-1 and were one of the best teams in baseball. Now? They're under .500.)

Maybe, just maybe, can we say: the pitching's been better than we hoped, and the hitters have shown more patience at the plate and are hitting a ton of homers, and the bullpen has been (for the most part) dy-no-mite, and the Crew is playing really well right now?

Isn't that enough?

On another note: the official song of The Summer of Rickie Weeks is Mango Jerry's "Summertime." (Like there was any other choice.)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Summer of Rickie Weeks Is Getting WHITE HOT.

And everybody's joining the party.

Well, OK: technically speaking, Reid and VaJayJay have been at the party for four years now. (Note: they've been the only ones at the party, which makes it more of a "date" than a party ... not that there's anything wrong with that ... but I'm just sayin'.)

So: grab your mai tai, put on your board shorts, and clean the sand out of your ass crack. Surf's up, kids.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

LOST Season Finale Tonight.

Which necessitates a posting of a picture of Evangeline Lilly.



See you next January, Freckles.

In Case You Haven't Heard:

With last night's game-tying homer, we're one step closer to officially dubbing the '09 season ...



Grab yourself a Corona -- actually, grab yourself a Corona Light, you tubby bitches -- and join the party.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

If you liked Dick in a Box...

For those who haven't seen this already...


Gosh, This Looks Awfully Familiar.

The Llama presents a hypothetical conversation between Brett Favre and Brad Childress.

Now, I don't actually think the Llama reads our blog, nor would I want him to ... but still ...

Memorial Day Brewers Game

For those who aren't going to Vegas for the E bachelor party - how does a Memorial Day afternoon game at Miller Park sound? Get up early, tailgate, get mildly drunk. Any takers? Come on FPMKE - you know you want to...

A Trip Out Of State Really Gives You A Better Perspective On Your Team.

Especially when that trip involves heading to Mud-duck Land, where the struggling Twins had lost three in a row and five of six heading into a weekend series with the Mariners. (We'll consider this post a public service announcement for Kirby, the biggest Twins fan I know, and Gunt, the biggest Twins hater I know.)

The Twins managed to hover around .500 while The Sideburned One recovered from a bizarre back/kidney injury that sidelined him for the first 25 games of the season. And Mauer's been on a tear since he came back, putting up a ridiculous .485/.553/.848 line in nine games thus far. (Mrs. Q is also happy to report that young Joe remains as hot as ever, but she is somewhat concerned that his tush appears bigger.)

Mauer's return was a needed shot in the arm for a team that was scuffling offensively over the first 25 games. Morneau's hitting, as per usual, and Denard Span continues to play (somewhat surprisingly) solid ball, and, as D3 said last week, Jason Kubel looks like a stone-cold lock for the next Twin That Brewers Fans Will Love To Hate, but the rest of the hitters stink out loud. Alexi Casilla is slugging a robust .202 (for a mind-bogglingly OPS+ of 19), and Douchetard Supreme Nick Punto isn't far off that pace, slugging .232 with an OPS+ of 53. Carlos Gomez has continued his second-half death spiral, and Delmon Young has put up a tasty 21 K to 4 BB ratio in 24 games.

The real concern, though -- and stop me if you're heard this one before -- is the pitching. Liriano, Kevin Slowey, and Scotty Baker are all sporting ERAs north of 5.5, and each is allowing a staggering amount of home runs (Baker with a particularly astonishing eight homers allowed in 5 starts). And outside of Joe Nathan, Jesse Crain, and Matt Guerrier, the bullpen consists of a bunch of guys no one's ever heard of, including a dude named Philip Humber, who, I believe, was the main character in Lolita.

From all appearances, it's going to be one of those maddening, never-a-game-or-two-above-or-below-.500 season for the Twins (which, of course, means that the fuckers will rip off a 12 game winning streak as soon as I post this).

All of this provides a better perspective for a Brewers fan, especially one (like me) who's prone to focus on the negative (Manny Parra, J.J.'s struggles at the plate, Manny Parra, Jeff Suppan's continued mediocrity, Manny Parra MANNY PARRA MANNY PARRA) and to ignore the positive (Cam's strong start, Bill Hall looking like he's got half-a-clue out there, The Summer of Rickie Weeks, Brauny getting on base at a .450+ clip). We ain't got it half-bad here.

In sum: things may work out for the Crew, or they may not, but at least we don't have to watch games in that shithole of a Dome.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Five Guys & Marquette's Most Famous Fat Alum

So, I headed over to Bayshore today for my first experience at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Excellent fries, fried in peanut oil. Nice and crisp - delicious. The burger, which if you order a cheeseburger, apparently means you get a double cheeseburger, was good, not great. The cheese wasn't fully melted. There nothing worse than unmelted cheap American cheese on a burger. It was also very expensive. $10.74 for a double cheeseburger, fries and a Coke is quite dear.

The highlight, though, was spotting MU's very own Rick Majerus at Five Guys. He was sitting one table over with an attractive middle aged woman. I had no clue it was Majerus until he started walking out. I noticed him dig a hand into the box of peanuts they have set up for people in line. I thought it funny that a larger man was getting some more caloric intake before leaving heart attack land, when I noticed the famous Majerus walk. Absolutely unmistakeable. I'm not sure that I have a point, but I thought the contributors to the Buffet would appreciate this apparent "coincidence."

Good luck and good health at SLU Rick, we miss you on the ESPN broadcasts.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Brewers/Cubs series predictions...


I'm going to make the obvious prediction...


Despite injuries to several key, high-paid, pieces of the puzzle, Cubs fans will walk around Miller Park all weekend like they own the place and there will be several random acts of douchebaggery.


Your predictions?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

On Today's Episode of 'The Gunslinger And The Dipshit':

[SCENE: An alleyway. A dark figure in a trench coat emerges from the shadows...]



TRENCH COAT GUY: [Whistles, then whispers] Hey, Chill Man -- you here yet?

[BRAD CHILDRESS crawls out from behind a dumpster.]


CHILLER: Fuck, man, I've been kneeling on a used diaper for the last ... FUCK! Ted Thompson! Oh, fuck! I knew this was a trap!

TRENCH COAT GUY: Hey, calm down, man. I'm incognito. [Takes off Ted Thompson mask.]



See? It's me, Brett. I'm a devious MF'er, man. I wore this in case we were followed. Nobody would believe Ted Thompson would be slinking around in alleys to meet with Brad Childress.

CHILLER: That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense at all. Why didn't you just put on a fucking hat?

FAVRE: I brought one. I'll put it on.


Hey, hold on, Chill Man -- why aren't we referring to each other by our code names?

CHILLER: Jesus -- you were serious about that, Brett?

FAVRE: Not Brett, dickface! Use my code name!

CHILLER: I don't even remember which one we settled on. Am I "Boss" and you're "Hogg"?

FAVRE: No, fuckwit -- I'm Bo Duke and you're Luke Duke.

CHILLER: Fine. Hey, Bo Duke.

FAVRE: Wait -- which one is Bo Duke?

CHILLER: Bo Duke is the one with brown hair. Played by Tom Wopat. Seriously -- we talked about this for a good 45 minutes yesterday. You told me about all of your favorite episodes.

FAVRE: Right. [Pauses for a good 15 seconds.] Then which one is Luke Duke?

CHILLER: The blonde one! Played by John Schneider. Come on, Brett!

FAVRE: Hey! It's Bo Duke, asshole!

CHILLER: Fine -- hey, Bo Duke.

FAVRE: Hey, Luke Duke. Thanks for meeting me in this undisclosed location. Over.

CHILLER: Dipshit, we're not talking on walkie-talkies. I'm fucking standing right here. You don't have to say "over" when you finish a sentence.

Anyway: you said we couldn't talk about this on the phone. So what's going on?

FAVRE: Here's the thing, Luke Duke: Bo Duke can't play ball anymore. My arm's falling apart, I'm really old, and I don't think my legs would hold up playing on concrete covered in carpet. Plus, if I signed to play with the Vikings, it's a guaran-damn-tee that the Packers would kick the shit out of our team twice. I'd be too excited, and you've seen what happens when I get too jazzed up and want to show somebody that I've still got the goods. Plus, I've been ridiculously overrated for about the last five years or so; when's the last time you saw me put the team on my back and lead them to victory? I just can't do that anymore. So I can't sign with your team.

CHILLER: Oh. Well. That's kind of surprising, Bo Duke. I thought you wanted to play one more year.

FAVRE: Well, I do, but I really only want to play two games. Don't get me wrong -- I'm such a prima donna that I'd willingly trash the remnants of my legacy with the Packers just for the chance to stick it up Teddy's shithole two times. I mean, I'm really that dumb. I'm really that short-sighted. I'm really that insecure. But I'm not going to do shit in those other 14 games, and I don't really want to get benched for Sage Rosenfels after my third consecutive three-pick performance.

CHILLER: Hmm. So if you don't want to play, why'd you ask me to meet you?

FAVRE: Here's why. [Reaches in pocket.]



CHILLER: What the fuck! Is that dog shit?

FAVRE: Yep. I want you to put this on Ted's doorstep and light it on fire.

CHILLER: Jesus! You're supposed to put it in a paper bag, you fucking moron! How long have you been walking around with loose dog shit in your pocket?

FAVRE: Couple days. So: will you do it?

CHILLER: Lemme get this straight: you asked me to meet with you so you could give me some dog turds to put on Ted Thompson's doorstep?

FAVRE: Yeah. I thought about asking you to bring me his head on a platter, but that was a little too Biblical for Ol' No. 4.

CHILLER: My God, you're a sick, sick man.

FAVRE: Hey, man, this shit is starting to melt in my hand. You gonna help me out or not?

CHILLER: Fuck! That's disgusting! Don't you have a Ziploc bag or anything?

FAVRE: Nope. Carrying it around in my pocket is more gunslinger-y. More reckless. Plus: I'm comfortable in my Wranglers, and even more comfortable with dog shit in the pocket of my Wranglers.

CHILLER: [sighs] Fine. Hand it over.

FAVRE: Thanks, Luke Duke. Shit -- there's my ride. Gotta bail.


Pittsburgh-Algonquin for Milwaukee's Bitch!

Man I wish we could play those guys more often. Nice to see JJ drive some runs in. Thoughts on a potential new line-up:

Hart-RF - Only other option to Weeks to lead off
Hardy-SS - Seems to flourish in 2 hole...that's what she said
Weeks-2B - Is better with runners to drive in
Fielder-1B - No change, may benefit from Braun behind him
Braun-LF - Can take advantage of speed and try to steal bases now.
Cameron-CF - No reason for move
Hall-3B - No change
Kendall-C - No change
Pitcher - No change

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

UW welcomes back Bud


Yesterday the University announced that Bud Selig will be the guest speaker at graduation.

Make your suggestions now at things I can sheepishly mumble at him as I walk past the commish on stage.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Lew Ford - Immortalized




Good news Twins haters. Quevedo at the Buffet now sponsors the Baseball Reference page of everyone's most hated, mediocre Twin (watch out Scott motherfucking Baker) - Lew Ford. I'll never forgive Kirby for putting this worthless Twinkie on his fantasy team for spite. At least ol' Lew wasn't "feuding" with any of his teammates.

The D-Backs love kicking a sack.

I know it's hard to tell from this picture (it was taken on my cell phone) but those are 3 members of the Arizona Diamondbacks playing a little hackey sack before Sunday's game in Milwaukee. Here are a few interesting tidbits and the players.

1. Brandon Webb is the guy on the left. Yes, the same Brandon Webb who is on the DL. I guess he can still jump and kick a sack just fine.

2. Eric Byrnes is the guy in the middle. He was by far the most skilled (is anyone surprised by that?). He was also wearing a skull cap and sunglasses to really complete the whole vibe.

3. Doug Davis is the guy on the right. Just like his pitching, we was slow to get going. He was also pretty decent.

That's right folks, hackey sack isn't just for burned out stoners anymore.

Your Weekend Llama-ing.

Llama on Favre! Hot stuff, comin' through!

Let's walk through this first part line by line; maybe you guys can help me figure out what Toddles is trying to say here.

During the Favre/Thompson divorce,

...which happened almost a year ago. OK, so, we're talking June-July 2008. Got it.

I had one Sports Central caller--who claimed to be in the know with Brett--that said the Minnesota scenario could play out just like the rumors say it will.

This is June-July 2008? Yeah, it was generally understood by then that Brett might head to Winter Park. Pete King was reporting it. There was that whole hubbub about Favre using a team-issued cell phone to call Darrell Bevell. Plus, it was -- and is -- the most logical destination for a guy who (1) wants another shot at a Super Bowl and (2) is a self-absorbed, petty bitch who wants to show the GM of his former team that he (the self-absorbed, petty bitch) has something left in the tank.

Another caller who claimed to know the guy that flew Brett into Green Bay last July also stated Favre was coming back just to stick it to Thompson.

Yep. Everybody who had a working brain -- hell, anybody who's ever had an ex-girlfriend -- figured as much.


I get these type of calls on a daily basis so at the time I blew it off. Did not seem plausible

WTF? In June-July 2008? This didn't seem possible?

and also those two people would not reveal on how they were in the Favre inner-circle.

Hold on, I almost swallowed my own tongue after the "would not reveal on how they were in the Favre inner-circle" part. For fuck's sake, this idiot writes like English is his second language. "On how"? On fucking how? Have you ever heard someone who wasn't an immigrant from the Ukraine say "on how" before? Christ on crutches.

ANYWAY: keep this "they wouldn't tell me how, exactly, they chanced upon this inside information" stuff in mind as we come to the next line ...

Fast forward to the present and I should have used those guys as a source because Favre proved any crazy rumor can come true.

Now, I wasn't a journalism major
, and I didn't write for the Marquette Tribune, and I've not spoken to MikeHunt about the finer points of sports reporting, but I'm pretty sure that if you're going to use some anonymous caller from 'Stallis as a source, that person should tell you how he's getting his information. Otherwise, anonymous caller from 'Stallis is just ... anonymous caller from 'Stallis.

Favre is capable of anything. He is not kidding when he says he can flip the switch just like that so do not think for a second that he is done with football. That is why there is some legitimacy to the sum of all the Packers' fans fears that Favre will wear a purple jersey this upcoming season. Still, take a chill pill,

Yeah, dudes and dudettes, take a chill pill. That'd be righteous. Gnarly. Radical, even.

the circus is not coming to town anytime soon. A) The Vikings are so dumb that they think Sage Rosenfels will cure their QB problems. They passed on Jay Cutler for crying out loud! So I honestly would not be shocked at all if the Vikings stayed stupid and passed on Favre.

Fine, credit where credit's due: it was curious that the Queens didn't make a play for Cutler. But it's not like Cutler could have been had for a fourth-round draft choice. The Bears had to fork over some serious dimp to snag him. More to the point, though, on this whole "the Vikings are too stupid to sign Favre" jive: The Chiller is already on the record saying that the Queens are going to talk about bringing Favre in.

B) Favre's hatred for Ted Thompson would have to know no bounds that he would be willing to tarnish everything he has ever down in a green and gold jersey to get back at him. Favre may be a diva but he is not that much of a diva to ruin everything.

Hmm. Brett Favre's not that much of a diva? Let's put the evidence into two columns:

DIVA
  • Held franchise hostage for (roughly) last five years with his "Boy, I sure am thinkin' 'bout retirin'" bullshit every off-season.
  • Finally retired, then had second thoughts, which required McCarthy to fly down to Mizz'sippi to offer him his job back ... only Brett decided he really didn't want to come back ...
  • Until he decided he really did want to come back, just before training camp, and then got pissy when McCarthy and Thompson (rightly) pointed out: "Hey, it's a little late in the game for this. We've already got a starting quarterback."
  • Publicly maligned Thompson and McCarthy, calling them liars and thieves and professional confidence men. Also went after the team president, suggesting that an endorsement deal that was offered to Favre was some kind of bribe.
  • After being traded to the Jets, called Matt Millen to provide an insider scouting report on the Pack, then lied about calling Millen, telling Pete King it's "total bs."
  • Retired again, but asked (at least twice) for the Jets to release him, because, again, Ol' No. 4 might get that itch.

NOT THAT MUCH OF A DIVA
  • Loves to mow his lawn.
Seems kind of unbalanced, doesn't it? I'm going to come down on the side of "yes, he's that much of a diva."

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Two Quick Hitters On Sunday Night Baseball:

White Sox vs. Rangers.

(1) Scotty Po is not only back with the White Sox, he's playing right field. Let that sink in: the guy who might have the worst arm in the majors is playing the one outfield position where you should have a guy with a really, really good arm. Seriously -- if you got twelve average Little Leaguers together, ten of them would be able to throw a ball farther than Scott Podsednik.

(2) From the "When the fuck did that happen?" department: ESPN is showing OPS for hitters now? Saints be praised! Did they run this by Joe Morgan first? Does he have any idea what those three letters mean? Does he think Billy Beane and Billy Beane's mad scientist cronies have infiltrated the Worldwide Leader and infected ESPN's computers with a virus that makes them spit out gobbledygook statistics? Does he think it's pronounced "ops" and refers to a super-secret, specially-trained military operations team? This is outstanding.

It's the top of fifth, and Joe Morgan is still talking, which means that his head hasn't exploded yet. It's only a matter of time.

An inside look.

We are almost done with our second home stand at Miller Park.  It is known that I am our Brewers insider since I have a position with the ball club.  I thought I would share some of the things I have discovered so far this year to try and enlighten the readers.  Enjoy.

1. TV and Radio guys are really a boys club (I'll give the nod to Parks and Rec for that phrase being in my head).  These guys love seeing each other, hanging out, and talking about Lord knows what.  While eating amongst them, I have learned some interesting things.  They actually call and text each other during the game and between innings.  A Cincinnati broadcaster was on the phone with Mark Grace in between innings when the Reds were in town.  Just kind of funny to think about.  Also, all of the broadcasters I have met have been really nice.  Bert Blyleven probably ranks up there as one of the nicest along with Thom Brennaman.

2.  This Trevor Hoffman thing is crazy.  When he requested that the music be turned up and it was... wow.  Windows were shaking inside the press box.  There have been many chill inducing moments in Miller Park.  The Braun grand slam, the Braun homer against the Cubs, CC's first appearance on the mound, and now Hoffman.  It is amazing how one player that only pitches one inning twice, maybe three times a week can have this effect on a place.  When Hells Bells hits it is unlike anything else in baseball.  This is what we've been missing the past couple years.

3.  This might be my favorite... Our favorite big red headed pitcher, also known as MC Lung, has revealed that he has a different nickname.  Apparently Villanueva has nicknamed him, McDouche.  I've got nothing else to say about that except that it is really, really, really funny.

Friday, May 1, 2009

For Our Native Chicagoan:

Two quick questions:

(1) How excited are you to have Scott Podsednik back in your life on a daily basis? (With love to Brew Crew Ball for the link.)

(2) Is Kirk Hinrich kind of a bitch? 'Cuz it seems like Kirk Hinrich might be kind of a bitch. That two-handed shove/slap thing he did at Rajon Rondo last night looked like something out of Jerry Springer.