Monday, January 4, 2010

I can fix the Pro Bowl.

Last week, we passed an important milestone in the NFL season: The Pro Bowl rosters were announced. This is an important moment because it's the last time anyone will give a shit about the Pro Bowl.

The Pro Bowl is an utter joke. It's slightly more physical than flag football, with dumbed-down versions of professional football's actual rules. No blitzing, no attempting to block kicks, and no veteran players, who are busy stubbing their toes and getting doctor's notes to use as an excuse for declining an invitation to professional sports' most worthless event. They've changed the date and location this year, but no one will care anyway. Professional cycling* gets higher ratings.

* - I'm not even talking about the Tour de France, which deserves its own category. I'm talking about off-brand, no-name cycling competitions. Hell, we could create one: The 2010 Tour de Rubie will take place in Milwaukee, on a meandering, made-at-the-last-minute course marked with discarded Bold Party Chex Mix Bags and ribbon made from a shredded Jeronne Maymon jersey. We'll televise it (tape-delayed, of course) on that channel where Time Warner shows awful local sports programming. The ratings will still crush the Pro Bowl.

There's nothing worth watching about the Pro Bowl. There's nothing on the line, no one playing all out and no one even pretending NFL caliber football is being played. But I can fix it. I'd like to propose a new game to replace the Pro Bowl. And I promise, it'll be must-see TV.

We'll call it the Bench Bowl. It'll still be NFC v. AFC, but the rosters will be selected by a committee of executives and assistant coaches based on the following premise: Any player that started less than four games for his team over the course of the season is eligible.

The Pro Bowl sucks because the players have next to nothing on the line and no one cares enough to go all out or hit someone. The Bench Bowl would be awesome for exactly the opposite reason: It'd be two rosters made up of 60 guys who have something to prove. They didn't get a shot to demonstrate their ability during the season, so they're going to go out and play their asses off to show they deserve a shot next season. You won't see a wide receiver jogging out a route or a linebacker settling for stopping forward progress in this game. It might be the most all-out, hard-hitting game you watch all season.

Screw the Pro Bowl and its elite players playing half-assed football. Lets replace it with a game with guys who want to prove they belong, in what might be their only shot to perform on a national stage. I'd watch it. I bet you would too.

10 comments:

Rubie Q said...

I believe we tried this once. It was called the XFL, if memory serves.

I'm also in favor of the Tour de Rubie. Our version of the yellow leader's jersey would be size XXXL and covered in barbeque sauce stains.

Ice Fishing with Kirby said...

Rubie, have you been going through my closet? I seem to be missing that shirt.

Rubie Q said...

That's ... that's ... THAT'S KIRBY'S MUSIC!!!

Chris Richards said...

Very fresh idea. The Pro Bowl is played; this is a much better concept.

Devil's Threesome said...

Still don't care. Isn't the Pro Bowl in Miami this year? That's a brilliant move - take it to a city that doesn't give two shits about any sport.

Master Reid said...

It's in the same place as the Super Bowl this year. You know, so it can blend right in with all the other meaningless shit that consumes the airwaves in the 2 weeks before the Super Bowl.

D3 aren't you supposed to be out of town right now?

Devil's Threesome said...

What's worse than having the stomach flu? Having the fucking Spanish stomach flu in Madrid. We arrived in Madrid on Sunday afternoon. I've seen the Prado, walked through Plaza Mayor once and will have seen two train stations by the time it's all said and done. Yah!

Rubie Q said...

Drink more wine. Old Spanish cure-all.

PaulNoonan said...

I have a great idea! Give the winner home field advantage in the Super Bowl!

You are a Baffoon said...

Worst Take of Year!!!! How in the world did Snowy's tiny snapses produce so much meaningless information on the Pro Bowl. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! You've been blocked.