Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Soup Is For Closers?

In the wake of Trevor Hoffman Gagneing away another game in spectacular fashion, it's clear that the "sample size" argument -- i.e., it's early, he's had a lot of success over the years, you can't make an informed decision about whether Hoffman is cooked after six (or so) games -- can be stuffed in a sack.

He's done. He has one plus pitch, and he refuses to throw it, instead opting for an 84-mph fastball that doesn't move (at least until it's hit out of the stadium). In the month of April, he's given up twice as many homers (5) as he did all of last season (2). Yes, he looked great last season, but, for some athletes, the end sometimes comes very quickly and with little advance warning. Hoffman looks like he fits in that category.

The M&M boys have made a number of moves based on the results of a few games (or, in the case of spring training, a few irrelevant games), removing Suppan from the rotation after two starts, exiling Parra to the 'pen after a bad spring, plugging Narveson into the No. 5 starter spot after a handful of good starts last September, and slashing Hart's playing time because he was awful in Arizona (and because JimEd had a solid spring). So, in the interest of being consistent, Hoff has to be removed from the closer's spot.
But, who takes the slab in the ninth now? It sure as shit isn't going to be Chuck New Town, who was a light-to-moderate disaster in his brief fill-in stint for Hoffman at the beginning of last season. Parra is just getting settled into his new role, insofar as "pitching every single day, regardless of score or circumstance" qualifies as a role. Hawkins needs to figure out the eighth inning before I'll trust him in the ninth. Vargas needs to be saved to do his one-pitch, two-outs trick illusion. And title of this post notwithstanding, I can't begin to type the words "Jeff Suppan" without breaking into a giggle fit. That ain't happening.

That leaves Todd Coffey, who's the most logical choice and who would unquestionably have the most excellent entrance from the 'pen in the ninth. COFFEY'S FOR CLOSERS. I can get behind this.

(EDIT: Walsh is gettin' on the train:

Monday, April 19, 2010

When Awesome Happens, We Must Copy.

I don't know if y'all have seen this, but, just in case you needed another reason to think that Scott Stapp -- of the legendary Wide-Open Armsed Stapps -- is the awesomest kind of awesome, he provided it last week:

Dude wrote a fight song for the Florida Marlins. It's called "Marlins Will Soar."*

* Admittedly, that's a curious verb for a song about a fish. I don't know a whole hell of a lot about marlins, but if a fish is "soaring," I think that means it got hooked and yanked out the water. And that ain't good for the fish.

This being the Internet, whenever someone comes up with a fantastic(-ly awful) idea, it is our right, if not our duty, to rip it off and make it our own. In case you haven't figured out where I'm going: we need a song like this for the Brewers. And I need your help.

In the comments, please, some verses. I'm looking for words that rhyme with "Molitor," "Gumby," "Listach," "Ginter," and, of course, "Ruben Quevedo." With any luck, we'll get the Femmes or the BoDeans or the Gufs on this project and then we, too, can soar with Scott Stapp. Or something.

Monday, April 12, 2010

There Are Two Types Of Moments In A Baseball Game:

One is the "shit happens" moment, when a guy makes a freak play that he couldn't duplicate if you gave him 100 more chances. Nick Stavinoha's one-legged, crouching seven-iron against Trevor Hoffman on Friday certainly qualifies as a "shit happens" moment.

The other type of moment is the "oh, shit" moment. For all intents and purposes, this is the exact opposite of the "shit happens" moment: it's not at all fluky. You can see it coming from a mile away. The back-to-back tape measure jobs that The Hoff gave up to Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday last night qualify as "oh, shit" moments: when you saw that Hoffman was throwing 90% fastballs, and that said fastballs weren't breaking 84 mph, all you could do was cross your fingers and hope that Pujols and Holliday would get over-anxious. But they didn't, and those fastballs went where they're supposed to go, which is to say: BYE BYE.

So far, Trevor's had two "shit" moments on the year. I hope he's getting that shit out of his system right quick, because I'm not suffering through Gagne 2.0.

Friday, April 9, 2010


In case you live under a rock, or have an outdated web browser that only allows you to read about sports on The Buffet, there was some big news out of Brewers camp yesterday. The Crew inked 24 year-old starter Yovani Gallardo to a 5 year, $30 million deal. I think I speak for everyone around when I say HAPPY HAPPY JOY, FUCKIN' JOY!!!! This is a fantastic move for the Brewers. Professional journalist Tom Haudricourt, breaks down the deal nicely in today's JS. The new contract buys out all of Yo's arbitration years, his first year of free agency, and there's an option for the year after that. Basically the deal nicely balances the risk associated with locking up a pitcher long-term, with the player's desire to hit the free agent market if he's playing at an elite level. From my angle, I love it because: A) If Yovani's pitching at an elite level he's an absolute steal at $6 million per, B) If he's hurt or pitching poorly, then the team isn't stuck with a Suppan sized millstone around their necks, and C) If he's pitching somewhere in between 6 mil is pretty much par for the course. Add in the fact that this avoids any potential arbitration battles, and keeps him off the free agent market for at least one year, and there is a lot to love about this contract. Big ups to Brewer management! Thank you for locking up one of the game's best young pitchers!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

He'll Never Read This, So I'm Not Ruining The Fun.

Another JSOnline chat with Brewers beatbox reporter Anthony Witrado, another prankster gets through the gates:
Q:, Milwaukee, Wisconsin - Can the Brewers re-sign Prince Fielder to a long-term deal so he can lead this team to a Championship Dynasty in the very near future at Miller Park and beyond? Can they win the National League Central Division Title and repeat as champs? I want to know.

A: Anthony Witrado
- They can't repeat because they've never won it. And I don't see a dynasty in this organization's future anytime soon unless they pair up pitching like SF has with their lineup. Now you know.

Anthony: THIS IS NOT A REAL PERSON. This is someone masquerading as and mimicking Freeway.

You're only making yourself look silly by answering his questions. So, by all means, keep doing it.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Please Make This Happen

NU & UW are supposedly in talks for a football series. It's hilarious that this game wouldn't be played until 2012, but the UW media is already saying it would be the Badgers' biggest nonconference game in over a decade!